Monday, March 11, 2013

Cave Man to Connected Man

Most of us as believers want the reality of Heaven to touch our lives. Think of it like this, if you were sick with cancer you would want the reality of the fact that God is never sick to become your reality. This could unfold into many areas of our lives like finances, relationships, revelation and basically any other area of life you can think of.

The other day I was walking through the hardware store on the phone with Leonard and it came to me that most people want a connection with the reality of the Kingdom of Heaven, God, God's blessings, God's abilities and God's character. We want this reality because we are aware that we have needs, issues and circumstances that exceed the realm of what this world and out personal abilities can provide.

So on one hand we want the reality of the divine or supernatural power in our life but on the other hand most humans are aware that they are not in as good of shape as they think they are. Their life is not good regardless how much they smile, how nice they dress and how much they think positively or meditate. I am not just talking about physical shape but also mental, emotional, spiritual, financial and even circumstantial.

I can identify with having a need, want or desire for the power from above to make everything better and I can also can identify with the feeling of worthlessness and that my life is not worth being changed. Because of my childhood wounds, life tragedy and personal crisis due to personal choices I made and choices other people made for me I have lived most of my life disconnected from meaningful relationships.

What do you mean by that?
Here is a list of how disconnect wove a thread through the tapestry of my life.
  • groups of people
  • stressful situations
  • problems that I could not solve
  • group thinking or teamwork
  • family and next of kin
  • people who disagree with me
  • people who yell, scream, and have high drama
  • men as being friends
  • Woman in general other than that of a sex toy
  • task that were too hard for me to complete
  • fear of the unknown
  • fear of personal or public failure
I could go on and on but the reality of my life is that anything that I thought would cause me pain or make me feel insecure I disconnected from it quickly so that I could protect myself from being hurt any further. I did not trust people because that created the potential for me to get hurt. My life motto was "if you want it done right then do it yourself".

This looked really good on the outside because other people would complement me on how controlled I was and how they wished they could be this calm and controlled. The sad thing is that as I accepted their compliments they could not see that I was in a dark protective cave with only my eyes showing. I began to think that living disconnected from people, places and things was a normal way of life. It was all I knew and assumed I would never break free from this type of heart attitude.

My home was a dark cave with only one entrance and exit so that I could go in and not have to worry about anything behind me or on the sides of me. I honestly thought I was a smart man for living like this. I looked at people who got hurt by other people and thought to myself, "if they lived like me then that would not have happened to them". I also looked at other people and found it strange that they were happy, many of them did not have material possessions or great circumstances yet they were happy and complete.

People that were happy I thought were strange, I justified it by saying they all of them were just better at faking it than those of us that were unhappy. Then I added to it that at least we were being honest about our feelings. Ha

Micro to Macro

Luke 16:10
He who is faithful in the small things will be faithful in great things, he who is unfaithful in small things will be unfaithful in great things.

Root word breakdown
He who is faithful and persuaded by what he hears and knows in the smallest micro of things will be faithful and persuaded by what he hears and knows in the greatest of things.
He who is judgmental, controlling and condemning with others in the smallest micro of things will be judgmental, controlling and condemning with others in the greatest of things.

Theme of Visibility 
Going from small to great seems to be the theme which occurs two different times. I thought it would be benificial to look at both definitions for micro and macro.

any organism too small to be viewed by the unaided eye, as bacteria, protozoa, and some fungi and algae
any organism that can be seen with the naked eye 
So micro means so small that you can not see it, it would be to us as if it were not even there but macro things can be seen. How much of our life do we ignore the micro things and give attention only to the macro things?

Two world forces
The two most common created relevant things that connect our world in every way is relationships and possessions.
Possessions - are important because of the natural exchange of goods, services, foods and basic health needs which is a means of our survival.
Relationships - are important because they are the backbone of life, they are the way in which we get our needs meet by others and by God. Relationships are the way in which God reaches into the hearts and minds of His creation in order to identify and connect with.

Application of these forces
These two forces work together and if used in everyday life separately the individual will end up feeling disconnected and incomplete. This person will have a constant nagging awareness of feeling not whole and that something is missing but are unsure of what it is.
The person who lives in this cycle usually spends a lot of time trying to fill the emptiness in their life with people, events, latest technology, religion, education, intelligence, drugs, sexual experiences and other things in order to feel complete and whole.
The deceiving part of this is that the more you try to fill yourself in order to feel complete the more empty you become. Like a small insect trapped in a spiders web, this likewise is a very sticky tangled web to get free from and most people live their life struggling to get free from this web, some never succeed and die there.

Small things
We most often overlook the small things in life, we think they have no importance, but do they?
Unseen particles of air that we breath
Sound waves
Light waves
Energy waves
A penny
A first drink
A first kiss or touch
Microscopic roots which maintain life for a large tree or shrub.
Microscopic veins which transport blood and oxygen to the body 
Drop of poison
A single spark of fire 
One degree while in flight or on a ship 
Large things are made from and consist of small microscopic parts. Most of us pursue big things, we want final results, we want to arrive at a destination but don't want to take the journey.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Meat or Milk

Heb 5:14 But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, [even] those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.
strong -  strong, firm, immovable, solid, hard, rigid., in a bad sense, cruel, stiff, stubborn, hard, in a good sense, firm, steadfast
meat - to nourish, support, feed, to give suck, to fatten, to bring up, nurture
full age -  brought to its end, finished, wanting nothing necessary to completeness, perfect
reason of use -  to hold one's self or find one's self so and so, to be in such or such a condition, to hold one's self to a thing, to lay hold of a thing, to adhere or cling to, to be closely joined to a person or a thing
senses - faculty of the mind for perceiving, understanding, judging
exercised - unclad, without clothing, the naked body, laid bare, to exercise naked (in a palaestra or school of athletics) to exercise vigorously, in any way, either the body or the mind
discern - to separate, make a distinction, discriminate, to prefer, to learn by discrimination, to try, decide to determine, give judgment, decide a dispute, to withdraw from one, desert, to separate one's self in a hostile spirit, to oppose, strive with dispute, contend, to be at variance with one's self, hesitate, doubt
good - beautiful, handsome, excellent, eminent, choice, surpassing, precious, useful, suitable, commendable, admirable, beautiful to look at, shapely, magnificent
evil - of a bad nature, not such as it ought to be, of a mode of thinking, feeling, acting, base, wrong, wicked, troublesome, injurious, pernicious, destructive, baneful

But firm and solid nourishment fattens them that are of wanting nothing necessary to be complete, even those who by reason of the thing you hold in your hand and adhere closely to have your understanding with out clothing and naked be laid bare and undone so that you are able to give judgement to and to separate both what is beautiful and excellence of shape and what is not as it ought to be as well as destructive.

I eat firm nourishment that belongs to me because I want nothing else in order to be made complete because I hold in my hand understand with out restrictions and am able to determine between what is precious and what is not as it ought to be.

When I begin to judge what is good and bad based on what I hold in my hand because of what I eat as nourishment and the fact that I am willing to allow my nakedness (weakness, vulnerabilities) to be see by my trainer or mentor ie, by other humans then I move into the reality of personal responsibility. In a vulnerable relationship with another human is where my greatest weakness are revealed.
What does nakedness look like?
It looks like the secret thing that you hide from everyone else. 
You smile and pretend to be ok but you are not. 
You pretend to have your finances in order but are on 90 days past due with notification shut offs all around you. 
You on the inside are hurting so bad that you can not sleep at night but during the day you make yourself and  other around you believe you are fine.
Here is what some of this behavior language looks like.
I am just fine.
I am blessed
I am too blessed to be stressed
God is so good 
Praise God everything is fine
God doesn't  put more on me than I can handle so surely I will get through this
All things will work out for my good

My thoughts are still in development 

others around you believe you are ok.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Foot Steps 2

The following morning after the dream / vision that I had (if you have not read Foot Steps then go back and do this before you read any further) I began to see and feel the following. When I mean when I say see and feel what I am really try to say is that I am having and inward experiences which is so profound that it brings with it a form of reality even thought I am not sure it is happening but yet at the same time I am sure it is happening because I am experiencing it. I don not have any other language to articulate what I am feeling and seeing on the inside of me.

I was back looking down the hall from about ceiling height and could not hear foot steps any longer. But I could hear a different sound now which I had never heard in that place. Every minute or two I could hear a door open then shut, open then shut then it would stop. The feeling that I am having is that I was testing out what Father God had said to me when I saw Him open the door:
Did He really leave the door unlocked?
Why did He leave the door unlocked?
Am I suppose to leave it shut, half way shut or open it all the way?
The only thing that I was fully aware of is that the door would not lock back because I did not have the key to make it happen. So here I was playing with the door opening and shutting it trying to decided what position of openness I wanted the door to be in. There was another noises in the distance that I could here.
As I looked around to see where the noise came from I saw a little head poke out of one of the rooms. The little head looked to the left and then to the right the disappeared back into the room. A moment later it peaked out again and stayed a little longer looking to the left and to the right then he made a sound. The little boy says pssst, psst, psst, he looked to the left then to the right he was seeing if anyone could hear him. Was anyone else there? Then another little head from down the hall answered him. Yes, I am here. What's your name? These two boys began to talk back and forth down the hall from each other.
After some time of talking one of the boys did the unthinkable. He slowly left his room and entered into the hall and made his way down to his new friend. They sat in the hall and talked and laughed and talked and laughed then they noticed that other little heads were peaking out of their doors.
Over a period of hours I saw children running and laughing and playing with each other in the hall and in each others rooms. Almost all the doors to the rooms were opened except one or two. Then I began to feel love, life, fun and connection in this hall. The activity of these children playing with each other was energetic and powerful.

Foot Steps

Last night my best friend and I were after an experience with Father God so we did a prophetic exercise. We closed our eyes and invited Father God to walk through our life then within about one minute here is what happened.
I began to see this long hall that had doors after doors lined on the left and right hand side of the hall. Behind each door of coarse was a small room. In each of these rooms was trapped a memory, the memory looked like a two or three picture frame photos that you might have on your bed side table. These pictures communicated the feeling of being at home but it was obviously not home.
The place we were in was like a mental hospital / orphanage. The walls were all white, the ceilings were all white, the floors were white tile like that old commercial hard tile that you see in old industrial buildings. I could see no end to the hall but was really overwhelmed at the thought of how many doors there were. The insides of the rooms were solid white and had one small window that was up higher on the wall somewhere around 6 feet or so. The window was probably 12" tall by 24" wide. It let light into the room which showed how clean and white the room was.
The first thing I heard as I was seeing all of this is foot steps. Big strong foot steps that were evenly paced so you could tell who ever it was, was not in a hurry, they were not mad nor did they scoot their feet. Each step was clearly and firmly planted on the floor one after the other, the steps where very intentional. These foot steps would walk for a minute then stop for a minute, walk for a minute then stop for a minute. Over and over this continued to happen.
I knew inside that the sound of these footsteps were made by Father God, Dad, or a strong, confident, loving father figure, I don't know how I knew this but I did. I begin to wonder.
What He was doing?
Why did he keep stopping then starting?
Why could I not hear anyone talking, only the sound of the footsteps?
Then I saw Him opening a door ajar just a little bit and with one hand on the door knob and one hand on the door jam of the wall He leaned His head into the room saying in a soft deep, clam voice:
I am here
Everything is Ok
You are not alone
You can come out if you like
Then, He smiled and pulled the door to but did not totally shut and lock the door back like it was before. It was as if He was saying you are free to come out of your room if you like, but if you want to stay in your room you are free to do that as well. He then said that there was a sign out log in the lobby and I could use it if I wanted to. The way that He shut the door gave me an overwhelming feeling of freedom and love. He was letting me know that he accepts me, all of me just like I am right where I am and He loves me regardless of what I choose.
In this dream / vision I did not feel fear, insecurity, judgement, or sadness. The only thing I felt was the freedom of being loved right where I was. All of the parts of me felt accepted just as I was.
When I refer to all of the parts of me, I mean that I had the feeling that all these individual rooms were individual memories which had their own form of personality locked away with in with no visitors.
What a sad way to live life but from what Father God spoke to us it did not have to stay this way.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Friends with Loss

I have considered loss to be my enemy for the first 38 years of my life. I determined early on that I could not have loss as a part of my life. When it came knocking at my door I would ignore it or pretend it was not there. I developed a very effective (so I thought) system to avoid facing loss.
I would be very quite, the equivalent of tip toeing around the house so it would not hear me and  think I was not home or I would go to the extreme and turn up the music so I could not hear loss knocking even if it new I was home. At any level this is still denial in full bloom. I worked so hard at pretending that loss was not there to visit me. As I reflect on my life I remember some very specific times loss showed up to pay me a visit.
  • When a teacher in 1st grade told me I was stupid in-front of the whole class
  • When I personally realized that I would never be the most liked popular guy.
  • When I realized that I was not good at sports no matter how hard I tried.
  • When my mom told me that she was going to ask my dad to leave the house then she asked me to give my permission for her to do it.
  • The first time that I put illegal drugs into my body.
  • When one of the three friends I had died due to cancer when I was 10.
  • When I lost my virginity at the age of 12 to a girl who was using me to make her ex boyfriend jealous of her in order to get him back.
  • When my dad told me that every kid gets picked on and that it develops character so I just needed to deal with it.
  • When I was 10 I stole (and got caught) a silver B key chain holder from K Mart and my mom made me take it back to the managers office.
  • When I decided that if I wanted to be safe then I would have to protect myself bc I was the only one that I could trust.
  • When I realized that no one paid any attention to me unless I was in trouble or hurt, this affirmed to me that I was not likeable or worth any value. 
  • When I realized that I could not make my way in life through eduction and being book smart so I decided to work with my hands and make my own way in life.
  • The day I began working for a large drug cartel in Mexico / Columbia
  • The day that I was sitting in a pile of seizure notices and my wife at that time told me she was taking my dog and leaving me.
Questions About Loss
Is loss bad or good?
Should we avoid loss or face it?
Is loss out enemy or our friend?
Does loss always find us or do we sometimes find it?
Does loss happen to some of us or all of us?
Does loss happen to good people or only bad people?
Isn't there away around it to avoid it?

As a teenager growing up in the country about 3 miles from town I would ofter cross multiple property lines to get to town, school, mall or a friends house. There were several pieces of property that had dogs on them and one of these dogs chased me for what seemed like forever. I remember how mad he was and he did everything he could in order to get a piece of me. I remember one time that I stepped onto the property and there was no dog.
I waiting a minute or two then proceeded across the property. I kept wondering where the dog was because it was so quite as I trespassed on this property. I had just reached the half way mark when all the sudden, I heard this loud noise behind me. He had been hiding so that I could not see him then he came up from behind me in order to catch me by surprise. Surprised I was! I ran faster that day than any day before. He did not want to really eat me but he did want me off his territory.
I began to feed him before crossing his territory and over time he let me cross even when there was the occasion that I did not have food with me. Did I become best friends with this dog? Did we role around on the ground together and play? Did he follow me home and become my dog? No, but he would let me feed him then he would lay down and let me walk off. I got to the point to where I turned my back on him and kept walking, now that is trust. Or, maybe just stupidity on my part.
At any rate the point of this story was to say that we can not ignore the barking dogs in our life. It does not matter weather we are at fault or not. When loss comes to you it requires a response. If you do not respond you will find yourself in a holding pattern until you do respond to it.You can pretend it is not there, you can move to a different city, get a different job, find a different church, marry a different spouse but the fact remains. Loss does not leave your side until you sit with it and listen to what is has to say. Loss speaks to you if you will only listen.

Loss Speaks In Certain Ways
  • It helps you see what you could have done differently in order to not be the cause of this happening again.
  • It reveals to you the true condition of your heart.
  • It blows away the fog so that you can see your true attitude of heart towards people, places and things.
  • It connects you with your greatest fear. This is good because your will not grown beyond the level of your fears.
  • It helps you to position yourself in a place of awareness to accept personal responsibility for your life and life choices.
  • It speaks to you about personal victory and unseen potential within yourself, however you have to look past the part of feeling like a defeated failure.
  • When it speaks to you it causes your world to slow down which can help you see things you have never seen.
  • It shows you the carousel pattern in your life so that you can get off that ride. Why go to an amusement park full of rides and spend the day going in circles on the merry go round carousel?
  • When you see how vulnerable we are to loss it aids you in being more merciful, kind and compassionate to others around you.
  • It helps you come down off your soap box so that you can relate to people around you in a real relationship rather than a dictatorship.
  • It helps you make the hard choice, do I want to go on living or do I lay here and die?
  • It connects you with your true created potential deep within your heart. Until you are in a do or die situation you never know what you are made out of.
  • It helps you to see that life still goes on and that it is bigger than you thought it was.
  • It provides you with a rare opportunity to get something you could not get at any other place and time in your life.

Loss and I have become friends, we don't hang out together and go to the movies together, loss is not my identity but it is part of my life like it or not. Loss has helped make me who I am today, everything that I am is in part of what I have been through and the way I have chosen to deal with it.
These are some conclusions that I am seeing at the age of 42. I see loss as being so benificial in my life that I now have given loss a open invitation to my house anytime. When it comes in I will sit with it and see what it is saying to me. This means I choose to not run, hide, fight, fear or ignore it but will listen to what it has to say to me and to my circumstances. My current prospective of loss is that it is a unique opportunity to grow in an unfamiliar way.

Two Types of Loss
What do I do with loss? On one hand I have chosen to sit with it and not run from it but on the other hand and I not going to pitch a tent there and call it home. Where is the balance in all of this? As I have researched and processed this over a lengthy period I have come to several conclusions. When we begin to see that loss leads us to gain this puts us on a path of healing. Yes, I believe that loss leads us to gain if we go through it in a healthy way.
  • Healthy Loss
First of all it is important to know that were the spirit of God is there is freedom. Most of us want to leave Him out of the process of loss because we think we believe He caused it or He allowed it. Because most of us do not know God's true nature we leave Him out of loss thinking that it will make it easier and keep it more manageable.
When we choose to enter into loss and I do not mean loss happening to us. Loss happens to all people but not all people choose to enter into it and process it. In it we allow all attitudes, emotions, judgements, memories, and  others to surface.
Yes, you allow the things that are already being kept repressed inside of you to come out. This may sound overwhelming to you but it is not as overwhelming as trying to live each day of your life like you are happy and everything is good when you know down inside of you, you are a step away from a breakdown. Now, that's overwhelming?
Here is the key. Very important! Might as well put a public health announcement on this. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS WITH ONE OR MORE HUMAN BEINGS! That is what brings loss to a stop and begins the process of gain, growth, healing, recovery, restoration. Whatever you want to call it. I do not personally believe that loss should be an endless cycle which replays over and over again for the rest of your life. I believe loss awakens awareness in us and through processing it with other humans we find a deeper meaning in life and love as our conclusion rather than isolation and distrust.
Most of us have loss because of another human being. Someone betrayed or abused us, they lied or attacked us, they promised us something and did not follow through with it. Other times it is someone we do not know that hurt us or hurt someone we know or love. All people make bad choices and these choices effect others which in turn causes loss.
  • Un healthy Loss
Loss comes to this person just like it does to all of humanity but this person chooses to ignore it and avoid it. Here are some things I have said and also commonly hear from people that are trapped in the cycle of un healthy loss.
I am doing great!
I have already dealt with that, they say this while they are standing 5 feet away from you because they do not want to get close to anyone.
I dont want to talk about that, God knows my heart.
God and I are working it our together.
I need to just hang on and day this will be over.
What are you talking about that is in the past?
I spoke with that person and we got everything worked out, but they haven't spoken to them in 5 years.
That did not bother me like it would most people, I am fine.
I went to counseling for several weeks and feel better now.
Since I have been going to church everything is better.
I moved to a different city and now have a fresh start so everything is going to be alright.
They were not a compadable mate but one day I will meet my match made in heaven.
All children die sometimes and it was just their time.

Un healthy loss will follow you everywhere you go, it moves with you, it re decorates your home with you, it changes churches with you, it learns to behaviors with you, it enters into your new spouses life with you. Everything you do brings loss with you until you choose to face in and allow it to do its work in you which will bring you a deeper meaning of life and love. In my opinion the same experience of  loss does not have to cycle forever in your life.
Everything in life breads life to its own kind. Loss breads more loss. What I am saying is that if you are stuck in loss and can not figure out why you seem to have more loss than anyone else around you maybe it is because the cycle you are refusing to enter into in order to be healed is reproducing its own kind. Loss gives birth to more loss.

Judas kiss to Jesus 
We must see that loss is not the end of the road
Loss is a stopping place and birthing place at the same time
Loss brings us to an awareness of what is really in our heart
The only way loss can produce healing is for someone giving you the freedom to be who you really are, if you hold on to any part of loss it will not let you go.
The hard part about getting healed through loss is because many times relationships have caused the loss and our source of healing and freedom will be found in relationships

Lazarus was wrapped in loss but the people around him loosened the clothes and set him free

Loss is a tool that can reveal things to us that no other tool in the universe can do.
Peter said count it all Joy knowing - we have to know 

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Log of Deception

And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?

Dust is a small particle and it seems harmless
Dust can cause lots of unseen problems 
Dust is all around us
You normally have to look for dust in order to find it

Eye is the window to the soul, you look into the eye you see into the heart
Eye is an entrance and exit to the body
Eye captures life in color all around us

Log is a large object or beam
the root meaning - to have intercourse with, have affection for, give attention to, to hold up and support, to receive, to take by the hand, to bring into family with and to educate as in the form of adoption, to give ear to, to embrace,

Beams hold up structures, structures protect families and keep them safe, structures give place to the everyday person to come in and find rest. Every architect is know by the structures they have built, the things that stand after they are gone is their legacy of excellence.

What I hear God saying to me through this passage of scripture. Brian why do you look at the speck of dust in others people eye which you often have to be very intentional at finding bc it is so small yet you seem to ignore the log in your own eye. Rather than looking at your own life you would rather look at other peoples life so that you can avoid you dealing with you. Why do you blame and find fault with other people rather than accepting full personal responsibility for your own life? When you look into the eye of another person in order to find fault you are actually finding fault with the internal core of that person. The eye is the window to the soul, the deepest part of a human being. When you do this you are not just finding fault with that person but with their creator!
Said another way. Why do I ignore the beam in my own eye that is defective and even dangerous to my life and the lives of those around me. This beam or beams are the structures of my life which hold up everything I do, have done and will do in the future. The type of materials that I use today will determine what I have the capacity to build on tomorrow. Why do I insist on doing things my way, on occasion I may use the correct load bearing beam in my structure but that doesn't make it right because the attitude of I did it my way all by myself is still painted on it.
I feel that I am always right and that my way is best, I also feel that you can not trust people so you have to do things yourself if you want it done right. In essence I am in the current process of building a big building, thinking that I know what I am doing while unaware that the material beams which hold up my masterpiece will not stand and are faulty which could one day result in my collapse.
If I collapse then it affects me personally, my wife, my children, my inner circle, my extended family, my friends, my business, my employees and most of all it becomes a loss to years of my life which I will never get back. God's love is trying to get me to look at the beam in my life so that He can help me avoid destruction from what I am building. Two things for sure will come at some point and time.
  1. Storms, strong winds and violent weather which will collapses my masterpiece
  2. Too much weight on the top part of what I have build because the top half of my building is heaver than the structure or foundation of it