Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Being Present

Never thought about this until 7 months ago. This strange yet painful revelation begin to surface on my radar as God was causing the eyes of my heart to see this truth. I begin to randomly think about it , it begin to come up in my inner circle conversations then my pastor preached on it and now a man I get counsel from recommended a book to me. God has this thought circling me on all sides.

All of my life I thought I was present because I simply showed up, I was there so I must be there!

I am learning to live in the present moment because this moment is all that I have. I have spent most of my life not living in the reality of the present. Most of my living hours were spent planning for the future, cleaning up the past and doing everything I could in order to not face the present in its reality. Reality is just that REAL.

The hardest part of this new revelation is learning to feel. Giving myself the freedom to feel what I am feeling is difficult but not near as hard as allowing me to be seen before others for who I really am on the inside. I do not have a really good idea of who I am because for all these years I have lived in a false reality, disconnected from truth, depending on my ability to preform so that I could look good and feel good about my own dysfunction. I am a 7 year old boy living in the body of a year old man.

I am discovering a greater since of freedom, awareness of myself and my environment. I am more in awe and overflowing with gratefulness because of me being aware of the present. How I feel, what I think, what I smell, what I hear, what this person just said to me, what I just said to them. I have been on autopilot most of my life, yet now I am beginning to take charge of my life because I am learning to live in the present, be aware of now.

I have done things all my life, so much to the point that I should have been renamed a human doing rather than a human being. I have never felt good enough to just be me. I always thought that I had to do do things and this constant doing has robbed me from living in the present awareness of now. I have missed so many divine appointments of creativity in the now because I was so busy living in the false reality of then while missing right now!

There is greatness on the inside of me, I have beauty on the inside of me and I am learning to give myself the freedom to be me! One of the doorways to this area of my heart is to allow me to feel me then to take this revelation into meaningful relationships around me. I have been so hard on Brian for so many years and never gave him slack or freedom. He was constantly pushed, driven towards excellence, never allowed to rest and let's not even talk about making mistakes.
I am releasing the child in me to be who I truly am knowing that I will begin to overflow in being who I was created to be since the beginning of time.

You do not know what you do not know. It is ok for me not to know things. I have always thought that I had to know things because if I did not know it then it made me less than worthy or good. I am beginning to see that I will never be able to tap into my true creativity as long as I can not embrace that fact that I do not know nor do I need to know everything. I have removed me from the headlock of life and allowing myself to breath and be free.

Learning to be me is the best thing that I can give to humanity. I have tried to give me to others but did not even know who or what I was giving away. You can not reproduce what you say, you only reproduce who you are in your heart. I want to allow me to see who I was created to be. As I begin to see and embrace me then over time I will begin to reproduce who I am. I am worthy of love, being loved as well as loving myself. This sounds so simply and silly but it has been the most difficult thing I have ever ventured out into. Learning to love me because I am worth it as a person, I was created to be loved and to love.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

False Reality

The two words in this title do not seem to go together because one is not true or real while the other is real and true. What hits home to me is that I am one of the millions who have tried to live their life in both dominions. I will peel back the curtains so that you can see behind the stage that I perform on.
I have spent and still spend much time living, entertaining and planning in the false reality state of mind. I think that things will be different in the future, things will not always be the way they are now, my past does not really contribute to me being the way I am today or worse yet thinking that this is just a phase of life and it will pass. I do not not know what to do but look around me and everyone else seems to be fine so I do what they are doing so that I will fit in and look normal. I smile and tell everyone that everything is good in my life, while I am really screaming for help.
How about working not working more hours because it makes me feel more valuable. Or lets purchase this new piece of technology so that I will feel the false reality of change and newness all the while knowing this feeling will leave me in a few weeks. How about this one. It is the lesson of cheer and giving so I will set aside me brokenness and pain so that I can make someone's life better, really I are saying that I have given up on me so I will go work on someone else so that I can avoid me dealing with me. I have spent most of my life in ministry doing this, this is the reason I have removed myself from ministry as I know it.
I am painfully learning to accept me for where I am today, I am learning to feel the pain of reality for who I have become. I am about 6 years old in my heart and this is where I am. I refuse to pretend to live in a reality that is not real. I refuse to play like everything is ok when it is not. I refuse to work harder to look better so that I feel better about being false. I am not pitching a tent to live in this place but unless I learn to face the reality at hand then I will never get any older than a 6 year old heart.
I am not doing this journey alone. I have a large group of people that know me inside and out. I am learning to be me in-front of others and this is the source of my healing. I am no longer hiding in shame and regret but allowing me to be seen for who I have been all my life.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Life is Busy

I have just came out of the hardest time of my whole year which is Holiday Lighting. This year we experienced god grow our business as well as grow our hearts in new things. For me it is learning to let go and trust people. At heart I am a control freak and a micro manager. God is teaching me to love others through trusting them, learning to empower them, deligate to them, allow them to make mistakes and know that it will be ok.
This has and is a very painful work that God is doing in my life and it seems to be manifesting itself through our business. Normaly this time of year is filled with guilt because of all the things I do not do or do not have time to do but this year is different. I am resting in the fact that I am not superman, I am not the savior of the world, it is not my job to help everyone! I am here to love others, love myself and care for my family. As I go about life daily He always makes room for peoples lives to be touched and changed through the work that He is doing inside of me.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Day I Die

We have worked hard as a family to make sure that if one of us or both of us die then the rest of the family will not suffer because of their loss. Obviously we will miss the other but I am talking about funeral cost, business issues, house mortgage, and on and on. Knowing that this is in place feels good, not that I am planning on dying but to be honest I have already died so why not get prepared.

Right now is as far from the Kingdom of God as I will ever be, for darkness and Satan this is as close as he will ever get.

What will be left of me when I am gone? Obviously, house, car, impact of ministry, business accomplishments, lives that have been touched and changed and on and on. But what about what people will say about me, what about my memory, what about the residue of me that I leave on everyone whom I have ever meet?

I am talking about who I am today, the way I choose to respond to people, places and things today will directly affect how people will remember me. I can say that if I died today people would say about me, Brian was a man who:
Loved God
Loved his wife
Loved his children
Loved people
Gave his life to leave others better than he found them
Lived his life a transparent, His heart could be seen through his lifestyle
Built a good, God fearing, relationship oriented company which shapes the place in which people live.
Loved life
Loved the mountains
Loved to fly
Loved to flow prophetically
Loved to see people be transformed through the power of God

What about you? What will people say about you when you die?

Sunday, October 16, 2011

My Shell

I remember different times through my life when I have played with creatures in shells. Some of them include random turtles, slugs, snails, crabs, and various creatures of the sea. All of these have the same thing in common with me. When we are scared, threatened or confronted we retreat into our shell.
After 40 years of living life I am just not realizing that that I use my shell all the time. Just recently I climbed into my shell after a heated conversation with someone that I care about deeply and stayed there for about 20 hours. Do I still function in my environment? Do I still work, eat and spend time with family and friends? Yes
I am still physically here or there but the rest of me is shut down. It is like the lights are on but nobody is home. I now see that this is apart of my life and I want bring this area of secrecy out so that there is no place for me to hide. I want to see healing in my life so that I can learn to confront others and be confronted by others with out feeling the need to run and hide. I want to learn to be open and honest in my relationships without having to pretend.
This is very painful for me but choose to stay right here. No running and no hiding, I am aligning myself with God so that He can transform me into He has already created me to be.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Empty My Cup

The way I am pouring the cup of my life into others is by not pouring into them.

Let me explain. If I am pouring my life into other people by doing a bunch of things that I am good at in order to make them and me feel better, helping everyone solve all their problems, blessing the community and the Kingdom or even helping change the world then I am giving the world what I do, not who I am. It is easy to give the world what you are good at, but what about giving the world the real you? The things you are afraid of, the insecurities, the vulnerable parts of your life, the secret things that no one knows about?

I am not saying that you take out a half page add in the paper or post / blog yourself for the world to see. No, that is too easy. I am talking about stepping onto the battlefield of your life and facing your Goliath. I am talking about taking ownership of the tares in your field not just the wheat. I am talking about being willing to give all of you so that you can have the pearl in the middle of the field, many of us want the treasure but we do not want to purchase the field in order to get the treasure. There is no condemnation or guilt here, I am just being real with you. All of us desire to live in our destiny but few of us do. Why? Many of our lives are littered with the lifestyle of taking two steps forward and three steps back. Why?

I am learning to be ok with being a human being not a human doing. Do I have pressures, obligations and invitations to go do this or that for the Kingdom? Yes of coarse, but If I am not doing things out of the overflow of my heart then it is a waste of Brian. If I am doing things in order to be validated by man and feel better about being me or if I think that by doing these things that I will be better liked by God then I have a problem.

I am not talking about not doing anything for anyone but I am talking about learning to live out of your destiny. What is the very thing that God has called you to do that you are excellent at? This then is where you pour your life into. For different people it will look very different because this is not a church or religious thing, this is a Kingdom thing and in the Kingdom everything has everything to do with everything!

These days I do not pour into peoples lives through doing things for them all that time. I pour into their lives by giving them me, the good, bad and ugly. Allowing myself to connect with them in my heart, stepping into openness and honesty with people and telling people how I feel not what I think about how I feel. I am learning to give my best to people and this can only come from my heart. I have given from my head, hands, and emotions for so long but this is superficial and can be fake.

I found myself doing all of these wonderful things for people but on the inside no one knew the real me, not even me. I desire to learn to live life from my heart not my head. So these days you will not find me out saving the world. I have retired my superman cape and desire to live from my heart. I pour me into those that are close to me and the ones that God brings across my path. I am very intentional about connecting with others from my heart and when this happens you release to someone more than knowledge, information, experience, advice or material possessions.

You release you, the good, bad and ugly. The most difficult part of all of this is not sharing yourself with others. It is learning to embrace the less loved parts of you and still know that you are a person of value and worth apart from what you do. Only the power of God can cause this kind of transformation in your heart.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

5 Vocies in My Life

We read in the bible that wine is produced in the cluster of grapes. One grape is crushed into another grape, repeatedly this happens until the finished product of wine comes forth. Wine is not made from one grape all by itself, it is made in a cluster. We are not created to do life alone with God! Yes, you heard me correct. We are not meant to do life alone with God! We are created to discover God in the people standing next to us and this is many times unpleasant in the process but the finished product is incredible. Please understand that I am not talking about your click of friends who you have everything in common with, I am not even talking about the group of friends that you hang out with at church and go to eat with every Sunday afternoon. God has hidden what you need inside the person that you most likely hate and can not stand to talk too.

In Mark 9:1-4 Jesus took several of His guys on a long journey up a mountain with no reasoning or explanation. Jesus says, hey you guys come with me. For hours they must have painfully climbed up that mountain. I would have been wondering, why am I doing this? Why does this hurt so bad, my legs, back and even my butt muscles hurt? Why does this not feel good? I thought that Jesus was suppose to make me feel better? Why has he asked me to follow Him through this difficult time of relationships with others on this hard hot journey to nowhere? I don not think Jesus knows were he is going so I need to take control and do what is best for me.

If you have ever been hiking or mountain climbing then you understand the value of having a buddy. This buddy is a blessing because he or she can save your life but they can also be a pain in the butt because they want to do things their way, just like you do, might I add. We learn to work with each other not against each other. We learn to put others first rather than stepping on top of everyone. We learn to be open and honest as we communicate our true feelings of weaknesses and strengths. Learning to function in relationships is to discover the heart of our Father God.

Jesus did not go up on the mountain alone. He took people with Him so that they could experience what He was experiencing. He desires to include us in on His encounters with our Father. They got to see Him transformed before their very eyes. Jesus wanted them to see this, He took them to the most unlikely place in order to have an unforgettable encounter. My focus is not on the journey of the difficult mountain but in the value of working together with other people for one common goal. When we work with others we get rubbed and crushed, relationships around you will reveal you to you and to others. This is part of the process of growth in the Kingdom of God.

I have at least 5 voices that speak to me on a regular basis, even daily. I take difficult journeys with them, I go to hard places with them. There are times where climbing Pikes Peak would be easier than facing a fear from 32 years ago. I am reminded that If I am willing to reveal myself to those I am called to then God will be revealed to me through them. It is the most uncomfortable thing one will ever do but the most beneficial. One of my guys brought me a prophetic word the other day and I did not agree with it nor like it but I saw truth in it so I submitted to that word and allowed that area of my heart to be opened. Since that time I have so much healing that area of my life.

Jesus takes us into uncomfortable situations so that we can experience unforgettable encounters!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Embracing Me As I Am

Part of my reason for blogging this specific subject is to allow you to see me for who I am. I desire to learn to live from my heart and I am beginning to realize that in order to do that I have to give my heart. You can not live from something that you will share with no one. information, or advice but for you to see the Brian I see. I want you to know me on a deeper level than just the Brian everyone sees. I want to learn to trust people with my heart not just my soul. (meaning my mind, will, and emotions).

Please understand that I am not in condemnation, guilt nor feeling sorry for myself. I feel more loved than every before in all of my life. I feel accepted, cared for and more valuable than ever before. So I am just talking to you about what the Holy Spirit has caused me to see in my own life. I am going to use the word feel a whole lot because I do not have any other way to describe what I am experiencing in my life.

My passion for life right now is to learn to live from my heart. When the Holy Spirit first asked what my life would look like if I lived from my heart it startled me because I did not have an answer for Him. I have no idea what it looks like to live from my heart. I have never lived from my heart because I was too afraid to let people get close to it. The 12 year old boy in me could not allow someone the chance to hurt again.

The other day I was in the gym and was working out my abdominal muscles. It normally takes concentration to work that muscle group. As I was concentrating on that muscle group I became aware that those muscle where separate from all of my other muscles, I was only trying to work those muscles and no others. The Holy Spirit spoke to me and said that He was going to begin to teach me, I am made in three parts (Spirit, soul and body). He said that most of my life has been lived thinking that all of these are one but they are not. He said he was going to teach me to know when I am living from my spirit or heart, when I am living from my soul or mind, will, and emotions.

It has been several days now and I have already had several instances where I was very aware about what part of Brian was connecting with that person, place or thing. I want to learn to be all there when I am in a conversation, so many times I am there but not all there. Many people have the emotional Brian, the psychological Brian, the physical Brian, the mental part of Brian but not many people have ever experienced the heart of Brian. This is where I want to go.

It seems that I am learning that a lot of what I live from is the fear of rejection. I know that there is a little boy in me and he fears being rejected. As an older man I have gotten so good at playing like it is not there than now I actually think It is not a part of my life. I can claim victory in Jesus name all I want, I can look good in front of everyone else but at the end of the day it is not real inside of me. I have realized that it is a part of what motivates me to do the things I do and act the way I act.

I do not connect well with people in my heart. It does not matter how well you think you know the Brian you see. I am afraid to let people get close to my heart.

I let people get close to me emotionally, mentally and physiologically but not to my heart.

In my heart I still feel like the scared little boy who fears being rejected, shut down, ran over, left behind and not included.

I feel like I say things many times that I do not mean from my heart, I say them from my mental or my emotional being.

I try to help people because I feel sorry for them from my soul not because I connect with them in my heart.

I do everything I can to stop people from hurting, I want everyone to feel good and be happy. I have gotten so good at doing this in the name of ministry that I have almost destroyed the people that I love the most.

When I get in conflict I shut down and close up like a clam shell.

When people raise their voice at me I close up and dis connect from them, this is part of the reason I hate yelling. It makes me want to go somewhere else.

I am in the middle of God healing me, I am in the process of the most awesome thing in my life. Thank you for loving me the way I am.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Do you see Circles or Spots?

When I look into my life I see myself as a circle not a spot. Circles can blend in with their surroundings, they are usually transparent so what you see is what you get. Circles have room to bring others into its environment.
Spots on the other hand don't do much but cover up space and blot out things. They usually are more noticeable than any other object. Spots usually get all the attention and do not leave room for others to be part of them.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Freedom from Guilt

I was recently faced with a look into the mirror of the refection of the past from my life. You first must understand that I grew up in an environment where performance was key if survival was to be insured. I learned from a young age to find my identity in what I did not in who I was. Only until the last 5 years did I ever stop to ask myself who am I. God has been setting me free from performance and in the eyes of many people it seems that I am either lazy or uncaring.
Now, I roll forward time to this recent experience.
Our church just did a large community outreach event called Stop the Violence. I have dealt with guilt through most of this pre event planning stage as well as the actual event.
Why guilt you ask?
Didn't I do anything?
Did I participate?
Did I help?
Did I make efforts to support and promote the event?
Did I pray for those in the event and those that would / could be effected by the event?
The answer to all of the above questions is yes!
So why the guilt you ask?
Because I am so used to not trusting other people to carry out task and assignments. I am at core a micro manager who desires control. Yes, I want other people to help but I want them to do it my way. I am learning that Brian has an identity separate from what he does. Brian can function separate from who people think Brian should be. I am learning that I do not have to be the camellia who is always trying to always fit into my environment as a means of protection and identity. I am learning that the world does not revolve around me. For so many years I did things that appeared to be good and even godly but really I was trying to make Brian feel better about being Brian.
Over the past weeks I have been learning more and more to relax and rest in who I was created to be and to allow only the burdens which God has placed on my heart to be the ones which drive me with passion. The difficult part about this is that you will end up saying NO to so many things. So you may ask what is my passion?
In this season of my life here are my passions!
The healing of Brian spirit, soul and body.
To live out of LOVE not FEAR.
The restoration of my relationship with my wife.
Better balance with my family.
Desire to inter into more meaningful relationships which are governed and motivated by LOVE not performance, conditions, and manipulation.
Expressing openness, honesty and vulnerability in my relationships.
Beginning to tell people how I truly feel in LOVE and not lying to them in the name of protecting their feelings.
Bringing clean water to Brazil.
Bring healing to them that seek freedom.
Build a better balanced company as I learn to be a partner in our company.
Learning to do life with people because I want to not because I feel that I have too.
Now in view of what I just shared with you this is why guilt tries to work its way back into my life. As I am learning to live in a life of rest I constantly struggle with the feeling that I need to do something, I need to perform, the world will not be able to function if I do not do my part. The funny thing is that the world was functioning without me before I got and and will be when I leave. I only need to do my part which I know God has called me to do.
I am only responsible to do my part which God has specifically called me to do and that is what I am responsible for. This revelation fuels rest inside of me.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

My Story

There once was a little boy who dreamed of growing up and doing something special with his life. He would sit outside on warm summer days and dreamed of what it would feel like to make a difference. He would climb trees and as he leaned against upper branches in tree listening to the birds he would imagine what it would be like to help bring positive change into peoples lives.

The problem with dreaming these kind of dreams is that he felt so useless, worthless and unloved on the inside. He dreamed the impossible but could not see it due to his broken down inner reflection. He tried in so many ways to make himself feel better, he tried to fix the problem, he ran from it, hid from it and on rare occasions even tried to face it but nothing worked.

Night and day he continued to dream of helping others and making a difference but the most complicated obsticals still laid ahead of him in his pre teen years. His dreams were drug through the mud of broken relationships, through the muck of drug usage, through the hurricane force winds of unpredictable change yet one thing never changed. He still desired to somehow help other people become better.

One day he was on a long journey half way around the world and discovered something valuable. It was not wealth, fortune or fame. It looked so strange that he almost did not recognize it, he almost past by it and did not pick it up. As he stood there looking at this he also looked back through his life and re counted all the times he dreamed the dreams, wished the wishes and planned out what it would look like to bring change.

As I stood there looking at this dirty water in jungle of Brazil I realized this is what I have been called for, created for and prepared for. This is my dream, my story, and my life. This is the season in which everything has everything to do with everything!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

We need to know what we KNOW

So many of us in today's world think we know things that we do not know. What does to know even mean?
There are two schools of thought:
One is western which says that it is educational based, I know it because I heard it, memorized it, taught it or can talk about it.
The other is eastern which says that it is birthed out of an experience. I know this because I have experienced it first and therefore I know this to be true.
What do you know?
How do you know you know it?
We have to be very careful because it is very easy to live a deceived life, a life lived in such a way as to where I think that I know something that I do not or that I am something that I am not.

Sunday, June 26, 2011


Through my life I have had five hero's.
Growing up my Hero was Evil Knievel. I dressed like him, tried to jump like him and pretended to be like him. I lived for the impossible and wanted it even if I got hurt doing it.
As a teenager I wanted to be like Jeff Beliesle who was an incredible Master Chef. I worked for him and did most of my training under him or under people he placed me under in order to learn a certain type of food.
In my late teenage years I wanted to be like Al Capone. I wanted the life of ease, I wanted to give orders for people to go there and come here, I wanted the nice things of life and it did not matter who I hurt or how I got them.
In my late 20's I wanted to be like Jesus. He is currently still my primary Hero. He is the only Hero who has never let me down or lead me astray.
I also have another hero and his name is Bill Johnson. I love how this man has God flowing through him and many people get healed, delivered and set free through his desire to live like Jesus lived. I also love how his ministry is about raising up and empowering others to live and experience what Jesus said we would and could do.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Who Do I Think I Am

I am a man who loves God and desires to see Him flow through me so that others can see that He is alive in the world around us.
I am a husband who loves my wife, we have a great connection together and deep understanding of each other because of what we have been through together. I love being her friend and raising our children with her as well as running our business together.
I am a father who loves his girls (all 5 of them) I love spending time with them and teaching them how to connect with God. I love watching them grown up and become woman of God who will love life, themselves, their husband, and one day their children.
I am a missionary who desires to see the jungle region of Brazil changed through living water and loving relationships.
I am a business man who enjoys being part of what God is doing through God's Care Lawnscapes. I love the relationships He brings us into and the jobs that we are able to do for His glory.
I am not a pastor, I am not a minister. I am a child of the Living God who has been birthed into a life of reconciliation and restoration. I desire to allow this to flow out of me and into everyone all the time everywhere I go. It is not a calling it is a life. It is not an anointing it is the nature of God on the inside of me desiring to change the world around me through me.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Thermometer vs Thermostat

Am I like a thermometer? I would say no. I do have a temperature reading that others around me can read but I do not gauge my life based off of things around me, for instance. Many people in a spiritual movement will feel affirmed when they see God do something in some ones life through them. This is a form of reacting to something not because of something. Thermometers only tell the current temperature of the environment and that is it. They are constantly changing based on environmental circumstances. Am I like a Thermostat? Yes, I try to live like a thermostat. I try to set the standard for what happens around me. If I see that something needs to be done then I will go do it. I do not wait on someone else to step up to get it done. A thermostat will set the tone for the feeling of an environment like your house. I desire to set the temperature for the environment for all those that come in, around or near my house.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Get Naked

A theme in my life for the past years has been relationships. Anyone who knows me knows this about me. I desire to be open, honest, transparent and vulnerable in all my relationships. In the beginning of this adventure God showed me that in the Garden of Eden Adam was hiding behind some shrubs or fig leaves trying to cover himself so that he would not be seen for who he was. He was a lire, a fake, a want to be man who was insecure, uncertain and untrustworthy. I realized quickly, hey that is me! I could easily be Adam. I lie and blame others for my faults and mistakes. I tell people that everything is OK with me when things are not OK with me. I hide from God and others because I am insecure and do not want them to see me who I really am. I will go out of my way to cover myself up so that no one will get close enough to me, because if they got close enough to me that may see me for who I really am and then they could reject me. What happened next in the story shook me to my core. God spoke to Adam to come out and show Him his nakedness. God was asking Adam to choose to step out into openness, honesty and vulnerability. God was not judging him, He was not accusing him and speaking harshly to him. God was trying to bring restoration and healing to him. Couldn't God just zap him and fix the problem? Yes He could but, God needed for Adam to own up to who he was so that God could transform him into who He is. The way we get transformed is through being vulnerable in our relationships and this causes tension. Most of us run from tension. We view tension as enemy number one. Tension as I have learned can be and most often is very beneficial if we allow it to do what it is designed to do. When you are vulnerable then this creates tension in the relationship, when tension is present then you are forced to make choices based out of love and trust not connivance and comfort. Many of us never cross the line of dysfunction into wholeness because of tension. When things get hard and tension is present we bolt for the door. This is what Adam did. We see in the story God speaking to Adam and looking for Adam to accept responsibility for what he had done. Tension was surrounding them, I imagine it was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. What was Adam going to do? Would he choose to be restored and healed or continue in the twisted darkness of his dysfunction?

Parking Spaces

As I have been thinking about this topic for the past week I continue to think of the times that I go to the store. I am the kind of guy who parks in his on space. I like to park between the lines of the parking space. I am not the kind of guy who circles the parking lot like a vulture waiting for his next meal to be hit by a car so he can eat. I drive down one isle and park, if for some reason there is no place to park then I will turn and go down the next isle but on that one I will park even if it is at the far end of the parking lot. Time for me is to valuable, I do not have the time to spend driving up and down the isle of the parking lot looking for that perfect front and center parking spot. There are rare times when it happens to me and I do enjoy the short walk to the entrance of the store but it is not sweet enough to pursue it like the final goal that will win the game with 1 minute left. I am not the kind of guy who parks in the handicap spot thinking that I am just going to be in there for a minute or maybe I will limp as I exit the car going into the building. It is wrong and I do not do it. The last time I did it was years back and as I was coming out of the building there was an old, old, old man walking from 20 spots back because I was parked in the handicap spot. I was so ashamed that I kept walking past my car as not to be seen by him as he passed me by. My final thought was that he parked down at the end because he wanted the excersise so I walked down to where his car was and sure enough it had a label on the plates and rear view mirror. As I walked back to my care I told myself that will never happen again. I see parking lines in a parking lot as boundaries for life. If you ignore them you can get hurt, hurt others and greatly complicate life for others. Mind your own business, park in your own spot and life will go better.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Fish and Pond

A great friend of mine were sitting down talking the other day and this thought came up. What would happen if we focused on three things in our lives, families, ministries and work environments. One Feed Others Fish This way others can have their needs meet, they can live and survive because they have food. Two Teach Others To Fish This way we are not only feeding them food but we are teaching them how to feed themselves and others with food. Three Fish From Your Own Pond This helps them learn to be responsible, they do not have to find someone to help them survive. They know how to budget money, manage finances and accept consequences.

Turning 40

I recently turned 40. I do not feel any older, do not act any older and I do not look any older in my opinion but something has changed. I am thinking differently at this stage of my life. I have been asking myself if I realize that if I live to be 80 then my life is now half over. I am living the second half of my life. What am I going to do with it? I know that mistakes are part of it and that I will continue to make them until the day I die but I desire to minimize the amount of life changing mistakes that have laced the first half of my life. A man of knowledge will learn from his mistakes but a man of wisdom will learn from someone else's mistakes and not make them. I want to be a man of wisdom not just knowledge. I will make the time I have on earth the best years of my life. The second half will be better than the first half. My later years will be better than my first. Thank God that I have a great wife, awesome business partner, wonderful kids and a vision for where I am going in these next 40 years. God is so good to me and I thank Him for all that He is in and through me.

One thing for Everyone

If there was one thing that I could do for everyone it would be to see them healed from the inside out spirit, soul and body. I see so many dysfunctions in people that are rooted in past wounds and lies. Most of us live lives of wearing mask and pretending that we are OK when we are not OK. We constantly lie to ourselves and to others telling ourselves that we are doing fine. Believers are the worst because they hide behind the cross as they pretend where as people of the world are jacked up and will sit down and tell you about it. As I writing this it is true, I want to see everyone healed up so they can live up to and out of the potential they were created to be but I also desire to see people have clean water. This might even be more important that the first desire because without clean water you have no need to have inner healing. Clean water is a necessity, being able to drink water that is not filled with bacteria, viruses, and germs is very important. Over one third of the world inhabitants suffer from unclean water. If you would like to partner with me in saving the world one drop at a time then go to

Fish Bowl or Fish

Recently I was asked if I was more like a fish or a fish bowl. I quickly answerd that. I am like a fish bowl. This reason I am not a fish is because a fish swims around wanted to be feed and cleaned but a fish bowl provides an environment for other fish to produce, grow and expand life. I am not a consumer as much as I am a producer. I desire to see other people advance, get promoted, have good things happen to them. I love to see people get their next breakthrough. I actually get more satisfaction out of seeing someone climb higher than I do when I climb higher. I am like a container and everything in my container protects and provides for so the things in my container can grown, thrive and live. A consumer is always looking for more, More for them More for their needs More for their problems More for their future More so that they can be happy More so that they will not have as many problems I think in terms of more but not in terms of how I can get more for me! I am always looking for a way to help someone have their dreams come true.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Adjusting to Changes

If only life would stay the same. Then we would not have to worry about changing and checking over our current coarse. As I think about what life would look like if it were the same I begin to realize it would become dull and boreing.
Learning to be flexable but not flaky in an ever changing world is difficult, we have to allow ourselves the room to bend yet not be broken. Their is a constant need for us to go back and re visit our current plan and direction.
I have been going through a lot of changes lately and will blog about them as I am able to sort them out in my heart and mind.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

What could have been?

The thought of this title draws me closer to an awesome awareness of God. I realize that I do not have to live under the umbrella of what could have been. I can live under the umbrella of provision and hope that God provides for me because He is bigger than all of my situational circumstances.
Apart from God I do not have to live tangled in the regrets of life, because He is making a way where there seems to be no way. I only have one regret from all the choices that I made and that is the regretful trail of debris that my past criminal record has left. After all these years I still have trouble getting certain jobs, I cannot go into certain professional fields of work and that bothers me.
Even in the middle of this memory I have shared with you I can rest in hope that God knew what I was going to do before I did it and a way has been made for me to prosper, be in good health and to have hope. Life is so full of many choices, many outcomes and many new beginnings. If I will embrace the process that I am in right now then the chances of me have regrets tomorrow decrease dramatically.
It is important not to abandon ship when the sea of life is rocky and foaming up things from the deep. Don't let the howl of the wind for the force of outside circumstances send you running from your giant rather than towards your giant. With out God I would say do what you can and hope for the best but with God all things are possible. You can embrace the process you are in with hope, honesty, love and integrity knowing that some one is on your side. You are not alone, the Creator of Heaven and Earth is wanting to release to you His fullness.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Difficult Part of Margin

I have spent some time thinking about what the weakest area of my life is in reguards to margin. I found several things that did not line up but new I needed to look deeper. As more time passed I began to see a common thread that continues to surface in my life. I struggeled with this because in and of itself it is not a bad thing, it is actualy a good thing. I struggle with keeping the main thing the main thing.
What does this look like in my life? It is very sudtle, many times you do not even know that it is happening. I find myself getting so excieted about life, what I am good at, what i feel God has called me to do and what I want to do. At time I feel heavy because there is not enought time to do all the things that I want to do. What ends up happening over time is that I end up putting too much on my plate and get off track for where I really wanted to go.

Sunday, January 23, 2011


It seems as though everywhere I go God is speaking to me about relationships. I hear it in my quiet time, see it in the world around me, and regularly engage in them. Things are different for me now in this area because use to I had relationships but none of them consisted of depth or meaning.
I am discovering more and more that it bothers me when I am wrong in my relationships. This is causing me to see that everything in the Kingdom of God functions and flows from relationships. I am so use to doing everything through rules, regulations, ministries, and programs.
It seems that everything I did had purpose but the purpose was to never value the person as a person, it was like I always had an agenda. Learning to honor people is learning to honor God because He is either in or around all people because we are His creation. As I begin to approach my relationships like this then this changes everything. I will be specific:
I see people as being valuable and meaning not less than
I see people as having worth and potential not hopeless
I see people as having real needs not just down and out
I judge people less because I have brokenness too
Being right at the expense of someone else is too be wrong
I see everyone as being an outlet that God could speak to me through
The realness of my relationship with God can be seen in my relationship with others
My effectiveness as a person increases when I live what I say rather than wanting others to live what I say but do not live

As I have been spending time with all of this over the past three years it has sparked a new thought in me over the past several months. One, is that I fail to accept blame every chance I get. I have achieved my masters degree in putting blame off on other people, objects and things. Two, is that I am passive aggressive in my responses with others so that I can avoid letting them get close to me because inside I am scared of getting either hurt or rejected. Three, is that I on my dysfunctional journey of do it myself found a way to apologize to other people when I am wrong for the way they feel about something I have said or did to them. This is like the masterpiece of avoidance, denial, and blame.
God is bringing healing to me everyday. Thank you Father for you love, devotion and acceptance.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


It is so easy to have relationships in your life go wrong. I am talking about the small things like an attitude or a comment that is never talked about. It is amazing how fast these things can grow and the danger in not dealing with them is that you can actually grow apart rather than together.
This week I had three strong confrontational love meetings with people I am close to. Two of them was with friends who we had backed away from each other because of not being honest in the small things then the other was my dad. These were hard conversations to have but after it was done I felt so much better as well as seeing our relationship restored to a higher level of truth, openness, honesty and transparency.
I am so glad that God is teaching me about relationships.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Vision 2011

In a world that is full of New Year Resolutions I make no resolutions, I make no promises, I make no vows and therefore I will rest in the freedom of not having guilt and condemnation loom over me like the peanuts cartoon character pigpen.
Every year I do all these things and feel so good about all the commitments I have made, my life is on track, I am eating better, I am in the gym, I am doing my bible studies, I am spending more time with my family, I am, I am,
I am........................................................................................................ for about 3o to 45 days.
Then the old Brian seems to rise up from the dusty floor of death. Wait a minute! I stand in shock as I realize that I am not gone, I thought he was gone, I made new commitments, I have made positive changes in my life so this can not be happening. Yet I slowly slip back into old routines, behaviors, thought patterns, habits and even those same attitudes that helped produce the effects of guilt and condemnation.
This year I do not want to change! I only seek God to reveal to me the issues in my heart that need to be changed and for Him to change them. I have deep rooted issues of judgement and un forgiveness that continually produces this uncomely fruit in my life. I am tired of picking fruit off the tree so that others can not see it. I have even grown more tired of painting my fruit in order to make bad looking fruit look good and smelly fruit no longer smell.
This year I fillet my life before God and wait for what surfaces, good, bad and ugly.