The hardest part of this new revelation is learning to feel. Giving myself the freedom to feel what I am feeling is difficult but not near as hard as allowing me to be seen before others for who I really am on the inside. I do not have a really good idea of who I am because for all these years I have lived in a false reality, disconnected from truth, depending on my ability to preform so that I could look good and feel good about my own dysfunction. I am a 7 year old boy living in the body of a year old man.
I am discovering a greater since of freedom, awareness of myself and my environment. I am more in awe and overflowing with gratefulness because of me being aware of the present. How I feel, what I think, what I smell, what I hear, what this person just said to me, what I just said to them. I have been on autopilot most of my life, yet now I am beginning to take charge of my life because I am learning to live in the present, be aware of now.
I have done things all my life, so much to the point that I should have been renamed a human doing rather than a human being. I have never felt good enough to just be me. I always thought that I had to do do things and this constant doing has robbed me from living in the present awareness of now. I have missed so many divine appointments of creativity in the now because I was so busy living in the false reality of then while missing right now!
There is greatness on the inside of me, I have beauty on the inside of me and I am learning to give myself the freedom to be me! One of the doorways to this area of my heart is to allow me to feel me then to take this revelation into meaningful relationships around me. I have been so hard on Brian for so many years and never gave him slack or freedom. He was constantly pushed, driven towards excellence, never allowed to rest and let's not even talk about making mistakes.
I am releasing the child in me to be who I truly am knowing that I will begin to overflow in being who I was created to be since the beginning of time.
You do not know what you do not know. It is ok for me not to know things. I have always thought that I had to know things because if I did not know it then it made me less than worthy or good. I am beginning to see that I will never be able to tap into my true creativity as long as I can not embrace that fact that I do not know nor do I need to know everything. I have removed me from the headlock of life and allowing myself to breath and be free.
Learning to be me is the best thing that I can give to humanity. I have tried to give me to others but did not even know who or what I was giving away. You can not reproduce what you say, you only reproduce who you are in your heart. I want to allow me to see who I was created to be. As I begin to see and embrace me then over time I will begin to reproduce who I am. I am worthy of love, being loved as well as loving myself. This sounds so simply and silly but it has been the most difficult thing I have ever ventured out into. Learning to love me because I am worth it as a person, I was created to be loved and to love.