Sunday, January 30, 2011

Difficult Part of Margin

I have spent some time thinking about what the weakest area of my life is in reguards to margin. I found several things that did not line up but new I needed to look deeper. As more time passed I began to see a common thread that continues to surface in my life. I struggeled with this because in and of itself it is not a bad thing, it is actualy a good thing. I struggle with keeping the main thing the main thing.
What does this look like in my life? It is very sudtle, many times you do not even know that it is happening. I find myself getting so excieted about life, what I am good at, what i feel God has called me to do and what I want to do. At time I feel heavy because there is not enought time to do all the things that I want to do. What ends up happening over time is that I end up putting too much on my plate and get off track for where I really wanted to go.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Relationships

It seems as though everywhere I go God is speaking to me about relationships. I hear it in my quiet time, see it in the world around me, and regularly engage in them. Things are different for me now in this area because use to I had relationships but none of them consisted of depth or meaning.
I am discovering more and more that it bothers me when I am wrong in my relationships. This is causing me to see that everything in the Kingdom of God functions and flows from relationships. I am so use to doing everything through rules, regulations, ministries, and programs.
It seems that everything I did had purpose but the purpose was to never value the person as a person, it was like I always had an agenda. Learning to honor people is learning to honor God because He is either in or around all people because we are His creation. As I begin to approach my relationships like this then this changes everything. I will be specific:
I see people as being valuable and meaning not less than
I see people as having worth and potential not hopeless
I see people as having real needs not just down and out
I judge people less because I have brokenness too
Being right at the expense of someone else is too be wrong
I see everyone as being an outlet that God could speak to me through
The realness of my relationship with God can be seen in my relationship with others
My effectiveness as a person increases when I live what I say rather than wanting others to live what I say but do not live

As I have been spending time with all of this over the past three years it has sparked a new thought in me over the past several months. One, is that I fail to accept blame every chance I get. I have achieved my masters degree in putting blame off on other people, objects and things. Two, is that I am passive aggressive in my responses with others so that I can avoid letting them get close to me because inside I am scared of getting either hurt or rejected. Three, is that I on my dysfunctional journey of do it myself found a way to apologize to other people when I am wrong for the way they feel about something I have said or did to them. This is like the masterpiece of avoidance, denial, and blame.
God is bringing healing to me everyday. Thank you Father for you love, devotion and acceptance.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Relationships

It is so easy to have relationships in your life go wrong. I am talking about the small things like an attitude or a comment that is never talked about. It is amazing how fast these things can grow and the danger in not dealing with them is that you can actually grow apart rather than together.
This week I had three strong confrontational love meetings with people I am close to. Two of them was with friends who we had backed away from each other because of not being honest in the small things then the other was my dad. These were hard conversations to have but after it was done I felt so much better as well as seeing our relationship restored to a higher level of truth, openness, honesty and transparency.
I am so glad that God is teaching me about relationships.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Vision 2011

In a world that is full of New Year Resolutions I make no resolutions, I make no promises, I make no vows and therefore I will rest in the freedom of not having guilt and condemnation loom over me like the peanuts cartoon character pigpen.
Every year I do all these things and feel so good about all the commitments I have made, my life is on track, I am eating better, I am in the gym, I am doing my bible studies, I am spending more time with my family, I am, I am,
I am........................................................................................................ for about 3o to 45 days.
Then the old Brian seems to rise up from the dusty floor of death. Wait a minute! I stand in shock as I realize that I am not gone, I thought he was gone, I made new commitments, I have made positive changes in my life so this can not be happening. Yet I slowly slip back into old routines, behaviors, thought patterns, habits and even those same attitudes that helped produce the effects of guilt and condemnation.
This year I do not want to change! I only seek God to reveal to me the issues in my heart that need to be changed and for Him to change them. I have deep rooted issues of judgement and un forgiveness that continually produces this uncomely fruit in my life. I am tired of picking fruit off the tree so that others can not see it. I have even grown more tired of painting my fruit in order to make bad looking fruit look good and smelly fruit no longer smell.
This year I fillet my life before God and wait for what surfaces, good, bad and ugly.