Sunday, August 28, 2011

Freedom from Guilt

I was recently faced with a look into the mirror of the refection of the past from my life. You first must understand that I grew up in an environment where performance was key if survival was to be insured. I learned from a young age to find my identity in what I did not in who I was. Only until the last 5 years did I ever stop to ask myself who am I. God has been setting me free from performance and in the eyes of many people it seems that I am either lazy or uncaring.
Now, I roll forward time to this recent experience.
Our church just did a large community outreach event called Stop the Violence. I have dealt with guilt through most of this pre event planning stage as well as the actual event.
Why guilt you ask?
Didn't I do anything?
Did I participate?
Did I help?
Did I make efforts to support and promote the event?
Did I pray for those in the event and those that would / could be effected by the event?
The answer to all of the above questions is yes!
So why the guilt you ask?
Because I am so used to not trusting other people to carry out task and assignments. I am at core a micro manager who desires control. Yes, I want other people to help but I want them to do it my way. I am learning that Brian has an identity separate from what he does. Brian can function separate from who people think Brian should be. I am learning that I do not have to be the camellia who is always trying to always fit into my environment as a means of protection and identity. I am learning that the world does not revolve around me. For so many years I did things that appeared to be good and even godly but really I was trying to make Brian feel better about being Brian.
Over the past weeks I have been learning more and more to relax and rest in who I was created to be and to allow only the burdens which God has placed on my heart to be the ones which drive me with passion. The difficult part about this is that you will end up saying NO to so many things. So you may ask what is my passion?
In this season of my life here are my passions!
The healing of Brian spirit, soul and body.
To live out of LOVE not FEAR.
The restoration of my relationship with my wife.
Better balance with my family.
Desire to inter into more meaningful relationships which are governed and motivated by LOVE not performance, conditions, and manipulation.
Expressing openness, honesty and vulnerability in my relationships.
Beginning to tell people how I truly feel in LOVE and not lying to them in the name of protecting their feelings.
Bringing clean water to Brazil.
Bring healing to them that seek freedom.
Build a better balanced company as I learn to be a partner in our company.
Learning to do life with people because I want to not because I feel that I have too.
Now in view of what I just shared with you this is why guilt tries to work its way back into my life. As I am learning to live in a life of rest I constantly struggle with the feeling that I need to do something, I need to perform, the world will not be able to function if I do not do my part. The funny thing is that the world was functioning without me before I got and and will be when I leave. I only need to do my part which I know God has called me to do.
I am only responsible to do my part which God has specifically called me to do and that is what I am responsible for. This revelation fuels rest inside of me.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

My Story

There once was a little boy who dreamed of growing up and doing something special with his life. He would sit outside on warm summer days and dreamed of what it would feel like to make a difference. He would climb trees and as he leaned against upper branches in tree listening to the birds he would imagine what it would be like to help bring positive change into peoples lives.

The problem with dreaming these kind of dreams is that he felt so useless, worthless and unloved on the inside. He dreamed the impossible but could not see it due to his broken down inner reflection. He tried in so many ways to make himself feel better, he tried to fix the problem, he ran from it, hid from it and on rare occasions even tried to face it but nothing worked.

Night and day he continued to dream of helping others and making a difference but the most complicated obsticals still laid ahead of him in his pre teen years. His dreams were drug through the mud of broken relationships, through the muck of drug usage, through the hurricane force winds of unpredictable change yet one thing never changed. He still desired to somehow help other people become better.

One day he was on a long journey half way around the world and discovered something valuable. It was not wealth, fortune or fame. It looked so strange that he almost did not recognize it, he almost past by it and did not pick it up. As he stood there looking at this he also looked back through his life and re counted all the times he dreamed the dreams, wished the wishes and planned out what it would look like to bring change.

As I stood there looking at this dirty water in jungle of Brazil I realized this is what I have been called for, created for and prepared for. This is my dream, my story, and my life. This is the season in which everything has everything to do with everything!