Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Day I Die

We have worked hard as a family to make sure that if one of us or both of us die then the rest of the family will not suffer because of their loss. Obviously we will miss the other but I am talking about funeral cost, business issues, house mortgage, and on and on. Knowing that this is in place feels good, not that I am planning on dying but to be honest I have already died so why not get prepared.

Right now is as far from the Kingdom of God as I will ever be, for darkness and Satan this is as close as he will ever get.

What will be left of me when I am gone? Obviously, house, car, impact of ministry, business accomplishments, lives that have been touched and changed and on and on. But what about what people will say about me, what about my memory, what about the residue of me that I leave on everyone whom I have ever meet?

I am talking about who I am today, the way I choose to respond to people, places and things today will directly affect how people will remember me. I can say that if I died today people would say about me, Brian was a man who:
Loved God
Loved his wife
Loved his children
Loved people
Gave his life to leave others better than he found them
Lived his life a transparent, His heart could be seen through his lifestyle
Built a good, God fearing, relationship oriented company which shapes the place in which people live.
Loved life
Loved the mountains
Loved to fly
Loved to flow prophetically
Loved to see people be transformed through the power of God

What about you? What will people say about you when you die?

Sunday, October 16, 2011

My Shell

I remember different times through my life when I have played with creatures in shells. Some of them include random turtles, slugs, snails, crabs, and various creatures of the sea. All of these have the same thing in common with me. When we are scared, threatened or confronted we retreat into our shell.
After 40 years of living life I am just not realizing that that I use my shell all the time. Just recently I climbed into my shell after a heated conversation with someone that I care about deeply and stayed there for about 20 hours. Do I still function in my environment? Do I still work, eat and spend time with family and friends? Yes
I am still physically here or there but the rest of me is shut down. It is like the lights are on but nobody is home. I now see that this is apart of my life and I want bring this area of secrecy out so that there is no place for me to hide. I want to see healing in my life so that I can learn to confront others and be confronted by others with out feeling the need to run and hide. I want to learn to be open and honest in my relationships without having to pretend.
This is very painful for me but choose to stay right here. No running and no hiding, I am aligning myself with God so that He can transform me into He has already created me to be.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Empty My Cup

The way I am pouring the cup of my life into others is by not pouring into them.

Let me explain. If I am pouring my life into other people by doing a bunch of things that I am good at in order to make them and me feel better, helping everyone solve all their problems, blessing the community and the Kingdom or even helping change the world then I am giving the world what I do, not who I am. It is easy to give the world what you are good at, but what about giving the world the real you? The things you are afraid of, the insecurities, the vulnerable parts of your life, the secret things that no one knows about?

I am not saying that you take out a half page add in the paper or post / blog yourself for the world to see. No, that is too easy. I am talking about stepping onto the battlefield of your life and facing your Goliath. I am talking about taking ownership of the tares in your field not just the wheat. I am talking about being willing to give all of you so that you can have the pearl in the middle of the field, many of us want the treasure but we do not want to purchase the field in order to get the treasure. There is no condemnation or guilt here, I am just being real with you. All of us desire to live in our destiny but few of us do. Why? Many of our lives are littered with the lifestyle of taking two steps forward and three steps back. Why?

I am learning to be ok with being a human being not a human doing. Do I have pressures, obligations and invitations to go do this or that for the Kingdom? Yes of coarse, but If I am not doing things out of the overflow of my heart then it is a waste of Brian. If I am doing things in order to be validated by man and feel better about being me or if I think that by doing these things that I will be better liked by God then I have a problem.

I am not talking about not doing anything for anyone but I am talking about learning to live out of your destiny. What is the very thing that God has called you to do that you are excellent at? This then is where you pour your life into. For different people it will look very different because this is not a church or religious thing, this is a Kingdom thing and in the Kingdom everything has everything to do with everything!

These days I do not pour into peoples lives through doing things for them all that time. I pour into their lives by giving them me, the good, bad and ugly. Allowing myself to connect with them in my heart, stepping into openness and honesty with people and telling people how I feel not what I think about how I feel. I am learning to give my best to people and this can only come from my heart. I have given from my head, hands, and emotions for so long but this is superficial and can be fake.

I found myself doing all of these wonderful things for people but on the inside no one knew the real me, not even me. I desire to learn to live life from my heart not my head. So these days you will not find me out saving the world. I have retired my superman cape and desire to live from my heart. I pour me into those that are close to me and the ones that God brings across my path. I am very intentional about connecting with others from my heart and when this happens you release to someone more than knowledge, information, experience, advice or material possessions.

You release you, the good, bad and ugly. The most difficult part of all of this is not sharing yourself with others. It is learning to embrace the less loved parts of you and still know that you are a person of value and worth apart from what you do. Only the power of God can cause this kind of transformation in your heart.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

5 Vocies in My Life

We read in the bible that wine is produced in the cluster of grapes. One grape is crushed into another grape, repeatedly this happens until the finished product of wine comes forth. Wine is not made from one grape all by itself, it is made in a cluster. We are not created to do life alone with God! Yes, you heard me correct. We are not meant to do life alone with God! We are created to discover God in the people standing next to us and this is many times unpleasant in the process but the finished product is incredible. Please understand that I am not talking about your click of friends who you have everything in common with, I am not even talking about the group of friends that you hang out with at church and go to eat with every Sunday afternoon. God has hidden what you need inside the person that you most likely hate and can not stand to talk too.

In Mark 9:1-4 Jesus took several of His guys on a long journey up a mountain with no reasoning or explanation. Jesus says, hey you guys come with me. For hours they must have painfully climbed up that mountain. I would have been wondering, why am I doing this? Why does this hurt so bad, my legs, back and even my butt muscles hurt? Why does this not feel good? I thought that Jesus was suppose to make me feel better? Why has he asked me to follow Him through this difficult time of relationships with others on this hard hot journey to nowhere? I don not think Jesus knows were he is going so I need to take control and do what is best for me.

If you have ever been hiking or mountain climbing then you understand the value of having a buddy. This buddy is a blessing because he or she can save your life but they can also be a pain in the butt because they want to do things their way, just like you do, might I add. We learn to work with each other not against each other. We learn to put others first rather than stepping on top of everyone. We learn to be open and honest as we communicate our true feelings of weaknesses and strengths. Learning to function in relationships is to discover the heart of our Father God.

Jesus did not go up on the mountain alone. He took people with Him so that they could experience what He was experiencing. He desires to include us in on His encounters with our Father. They got to see Him transformed before their very eyes. Jesus wanted them to see this, He took them to the most unlikely place in order to have an unforgettable encounter. My focus is not on the journey of the difficult mountain but in the value of working together with other people for one common goal. When we work with others we get rubbed and crushed, relationships around you will reveal you to you and to others. This is part of the process of growth in the Kingdom of God.

I have at least 5 voices that speak to me on a regular basis, even daily. I take difficult journeys with them, I go to hard places with them. There are times where climbing Pikes Peak would be easier than facing a fear from 32 years ago. I am reminded that If I am willing to reveal myself to those I am called to then God will be revealed to me through them. It is the most uncomfortable thing one will ever do but the most beneficial. One of my guys brought me a prophetic word the other day and I did not agree with it nor like it but I saw truth in it so I submitted to that word and allowed that area of my heart to be opened. Since that time I have so much healing that area of my life.

Jesus takes us into uncomfortable situations so that we can experience unforgettable encounters!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Embracing Me As I Am

Part of my reason for blogging this specific subject is to allow you to see me for who I am. I desire to learn to live from my heart and I am beginning to realize that in order to do that I have to give my heart. You can not live from something that you will share with no one. information, or advice but for you to see the Brian I see. I want you to know me on a deeper level than just the Brian everyone sees. I want to learn to trust people with my heart not just my soul. (meaning my mind, will, and emotions).

Please understand that I am not in condemnation, guilt nor feeling sorry for myself. I feel more loved than every before in all of my life. I feel accepted, cared for and more valuable than ever before. So I am just talking to you about what the Holy Spirit has caused me to see in my own life. I am going to use the word feel a whole lot because I do not have any other way to describe what I am experiencing in my life.

My passion for life right now is to learn to live from my heart. When the Holy Spirit first asked what my life would look like if I lived from my heart it startled me because I did not have an answer for Him. I have no idea what it looks like to live from my heart. I have never lived from my heart because I was too afraid to let people get close to it. The 12 year old boy in me could not allow someone the chance to hurt again.

The other day I was in the gym and was working out my abdominal muscles. It normally takes concentration to work that muscle group. As I was concentrating on that muscle group I became aware that those muscle where separate from all of my other muscles, I was only trying to work those muscles and no others. The Holy Spirit spoke to me and said that He was going to begin to teach me, I am made in three parts (Spirit, soul and body). He said that most of my life has been lived thinking that all of these are one but they are not. He said he was going to teach me to know when I am living from my spirit or heart, when I am living from my soul or mind, will, and emotions.

It has been several days now and I have already had several instances where I was very aware about what part of Brian was connecting with that person, place or thing. I want to learn to be all there when I am in a conversation, so many times I am there but not all there. Many people have the emotional Brian, the psychological Brian, the physical Brian, the mental part of Brian but not many people have ever experienced the heart of Brian. This is where I want to go.

It seems that I am learning that a lot of what I live from is the fear of rejection. I know that there is a little boy in me and he fears being rejected. As an older man I have gotten so good at playing like it is not there than now I actually think It is not a part of my life. I can claim victory in Jesus name all I want, I can look good in front of everyone else but at the end of the day it is not real inside of me. I have realized that it is a part of what motivates me to do the things I do and act the way I act.

I do not connect well with people in my heart. It does not matter how well you think you know the Brian you see. I am afraid to let people get close to my heart.

I let people get close to me emotionally, mentally and physiologically but not to my heart.

In my heart I still feel like the scared little boy who fears being rejected, shut down, ran over, left behind and not included.

I feel like I say things many times that I do not mean from my heart, I say them from my mental or my emotional being.

I try to help people because I feel sorry for them from my soul not because I connect with them in my heart.

I do everything I can to stop people from hurting, I want everyone to feel good and be happy. I have gotten so good at doing this in the name of ministry that I have almost destroyed the people that I love the most.

When I get in conflict I shut down and close up like a clam shell.

When people raise their voice at me I close up and dis connect from them, this is part of the reason I hate yelling. It makes me want to go somewhere else.

I am in the middle of God healing me, I am in the process of the most awesome thing in my life. Thank you for loving me the way I am.