Part of my reason for blogging this specific subject is to allow you to see me for who I am. I desire to learn to live from my heart and I am beginning to realize that in order to do that I have to give my heart. You can not live from something that you will share with no one. information, or advice but for you to see the Brian I see. I want you to know me on a deeper level than just the Brian everyone sees. I want to learn to trust people with my heart not just my soul. (meaning my mind, will, and emotions).
Please understand that I am not in condemnation, guilt nor feeling sorry for myself. I feel more loved than every before in all of my life. I feel accepted, cared for and more valuable than ever before. So I am just talking to you about what the Holy Spirit has caused me to see in my own life. I am going to use the word feel a whole lot because I do not have any other way to describe what I am experiencing in my life.My passion for life right now is to learn to live from my heart. When the Holy Spirit first asked what my life would look like if I lived from my heart it startled me because I did not have an answer for Him. I have no idea what it looks like to live from my heart. I have never lived from my heart because I was too afraid to let people get close to it. The 12 year old boy in me could not allow someone the chance to hurt again.
The other day I was in the gym and was working out my abdominal muscles. It normally takes concentration to work that muscle group. As I was concentrating on that muscle group I became aware that those muscle where separate from all of my other muscles, I was only trying to work those muscles and no others. The Holy Spirit spoke to me and said that He was going to begin to teach me, I am made in three parts (Spirit, soul and body). He said that most of my life has been lived thinking that all of these are one but they are not. He said he was going to teach me to know when I am living from my spirit or heart, when I am living from my soul or mind, will, and emotions.
It has been several days now and I have already had several instances where I was very aware about what part of Brian was connecting with that person, place or thing. I want to learn to be all there when I am in a conversation, so many times I am there but not all there. Many people have the emotional Brian, the psychological Brian, the physical Brian, the mental part of Brian but not many people have ever experienced the heart of Brian. This is where I want to go.
It seems that I am learning that a lot of what I live from is the fear of rejection. I know that there is a little boy in me and he fears being rejected. As an older man I have gotten so good at playing like it is not there than now I actually think It is not a part of my life. I can claim victory in Jesus name all I want, I can look good in front of everyone else but at the end of the day it is not real inside of me. I have realized that it is a part of what motivates me to do the things I do and act the way I act.
I do not connect well with people in my heart. It does not matter how well you think you know the Brian you see. I am afraid to let people get close to my heart.
I let people get close to me emotionally, mentally and physiologically but not to my heart.
In my heart I still feel like the scared little boy who fears being rejected, shut down, ran over, left behind and not included.
I feel like I say things many times that I do not mean from my heart, I say them from my mental or my emotional being.
I try to help people because I feel sorry for them from my soul not because I connect with them in my heart.
I do everything I can to stop people from hurting, I want everyone to feel good and be happy. I have gotten so good at doing this in the name of ministry that I have almost destroyed the people that I love the most.
When I get in conflict I shut down and close up like a clam shell.
When people raise their voice at me I close up and dis connect from them, this is part of the reason I hate yelling. It makes me want to go somewhere else.
I am in the middle of God healing me, I am in the process of the most awesome thing in my life. Thank you for loving me the way I am.
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