Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Being Present

Never thought about this until 7 months ago. This strange yet painful revelation begin to surface on my radar as God was causing the eyes of my heart to see this truth. I begin to randomly think about it , it begin to come up in my inner circle conversations then my pastor preached on it and now a man I get counsel from recommended a book to me. God has this thought circling me on all sides.

All of my life I thought I was present because I simply showed up, I was there so I must be there!

I am learning to live in the present moment because this moment is all that I have. I have spent most of my life not living in the reality of the present. Most of my living hours were spent planning for the future, cleaning up the past and doing everything I could in order to not face the present in its reality. Reality is just that REAL.

The hardest part of this new revelation is learning to feel. Giving myself the freedom to feel what I am feeling is difficult but not near as hard as allowing me to be seen before others for who I really am on the inside. I do not have a really good idea of who I am because for all these years I have lived in a false reality, disconnected from truth, depending on my ability to preform so that I could look good and feel good about my own dysfunction. I am a 7 year old boy living in the body of a year old man.

I am discovering a greater since of freedom, awareness of myself and my environment. I am more in awe and overflowing with gratefulness because of me being aware of the present. How I feel, what I think, what I smell, what I hear, what this person just said to me, what I just said to them. I have been on autopilot most of my life, yet now I am beginning to take charge of my life because I am learning to live in the present, be aware of now.

I have done things all my life, so much to the point that I should have been renamed a human doing rather than a human being. I have never felt good enough to just be me. I always thought that I had to do do things and this constant doing has robbed me from living in the present awareness of now. I have missed so many divine appointments of creativity in the now because I was so busy living in the false reality of then while missing right now!

There is greatness on the inside of me, I have beauty on the inside of me and I am learning to give myself the freedom to be me! One of the doorways to this area of my heart is to allow me to feel me then to take this revelation into meaningful relationships around me. I have been so hard on Brian for so many years and never gave him slack or freedom. He was constantly pushed, driven towards excellence, never allowed to rest and let's not even talk about making mistakes.
I am releasing the child in me to be who I truly am knowing that I will begin to overflow in being who I was created to be since the beginning of time.

You do not know what you do not know. It is ok for me not to know things. I have always thought that I had to know things because if I did not know it then it made me less than worthy or good. I am beginning to see that I will never be able to tap into my true creativity as long as I can not embrace that fact that I do not know nor do I need to know everything. I have removed me from the headlock of life and allowing myself to breath and be free.

Learning to be me is the best thing that I can give to humanity. I have tried to give me to others but did not even know who or what I was giving away. You can not reproduce what you say, you only reproduce who you are in your heart. I want to allow me to see who I was created to be. As I begin to see and embrace me then over time I will begin to reproduce who I am. I am worthy of love, being loved as well as loving myself. This sounds so simply and silly but it has been the most difficult thing I have ever ventured out into. Learning to love me because I am worth it as a person, I was created to be loved and to love.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

False Reality

The two words in this title do not seem to go together because one is not true or real while the other is real and true. What hits home to me is that I am one of the millions who have tried to live their life in both dominions. I will peel back the curtains so that you can see behind the stage that I perform on.
I have spent and still spend much time living, entertaining and planning in the false reality state of mind. I think that things will be different in the future, things will not always be the way they are now, my past does not really contribute to me being the way I am today or worse yet thinking that this is just a phase of life and it will pass. I do not not know what to do but look around me and everyone else seems to be fine so I do what they are doing so that I will fit in and look normal. I smile and tell everyone that everything is good in my life, while I am really screaming for help.
How about working not working more hours because it makes me feel more valuable. Or lets purchase this new piece of technology so that I will feel the false reality of change and newness all the while knowing this feeling will leave me in a few weeks. How about this one. It is the lesson of cheer and giving so I will set aside me brokenness and pain so that I can make someone's life better, really I are saying that I have given up on me so I will go work on someone else so that I can avoid me dealing with me. I have spent most of my life in ministry doing this, this is the reason I have removed myself from ministry as I know it.
I am painfully learning to accept me for where I am today, I am learning to feel the pain of reality for who I have become. I am about 6 years old in my heart and this is where I am. I refuse to pretend to live in a reality that is not real. I refuse to play like everything is ok when it is not. I refuse to work harder to look better so that I feel better about being false. I am not pitching a tent to live in this place but unless I learn to face the reality at hand then I will never get any older than a 6 year old heart.
I am not doing this journey alone. I have a large group of people that know me inside and out. I am learning to be me in-front of others and this is the source of my healing. I am no longer hiding in shame and regret but allowing me to be seen for who I have been all my life.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Life is Busy

I have just came out of the hardest time of my whole year which is Holiday Lighting. This year we experienced god grow our business as well as grow our hearts in new things. For me it is learning to let go and trust people. At heart I am a control freak and a micro manager. God is teaching me to love others through trusting them, learning to empower them, deligate to them, allow them to make mistakes and know that it will be ok.
This has and is a very painful work that God is doing in my life and it seems to be manifesting itself through our business. Normaly this time of year is filled with guilt because of all the things I do not do or do not have time to do but this year is different. I am resting in the fact that I am not superman, I am not the savior of the world, it is not my job to help everyone! I am here to love others, love myself and care for my family. As I go about life daily He always makes room for peoples lives to be touched and changed through the work that He is doing inside of me.