Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Resting Place

I have had a strange thought growing in my heart over the past couple of months and it is this.
I want to be a resting place for God.
I am tired of living in restlessness. I will not continue to live my spiritual life like a fast food drive through burger place. I want to stop and unpack my life before God and others, I want to go in and sit down and dine with no time in mind. You may think, Brian, God already knows you, what you think, do and don't do, and what you say before you say it. You are correct but that wonderful theological thought leaves no room for me to be personally responsible for being vulnerable with others and Him.
I think of it like this. If you have ever been listening to a song and in your mind you can sing along, every word, every note, and perfect in tune. Until... You actually sing out loud! At that point you realize that you do not know what you thought you knew. Personal responsibility set in because you became vulnerable to yourself or maybe others around you when you acted on your thought.
I have spent most of my walk with God thinking it but not acting on it, living out of a back pack but complained because I did not ever feel I was at home. I realize that if I want to call a place home then I need to unpack and live there. I have never been at a place to where I was willing to unpack and settle down. I am at the point where I am not satisfied living out of a backpack or suitcase like I am at some sleepover with God. I want to move in and unpack all of me with Him and with others that I have chosen to do life with and those that He has placed in my life. 
A friend gave me a CD to listen to this week and it hit home even deeper. As I was listening to Jack Frost I realized that living out of rest or restlessness is attached directly to my level of security. When I find myself in overdrive with restlessness, anxiety, frustration, which leads me to perform for my identity rather than from my identity it is because I feel insecure or threatened in some form or fashion.
I am learning to rest, I am shifting my lifestyle to line up with that of rest and I am feeling the fruit of this change in my life. I am making a choice to live differently. At times it is not easy because the world says go faster, people say go faster, church says go faster , and even preachers tell us to go faster, do more, be more and so on and so on.
This past Christmas some one in my church family jokingly said they were going to get me a pillow because I rested so much. What a compliment to get from someone.They will never know how hard it has been for me to rest from my labor at trying to be somebody so I did not have to face my insecurities. My first step was to rest from always doing stuff and now my second step is to learn to do thing in rest. I am learning to take rest with me into all situations. This lifestyle has fueled my passion to be a place of rest for me, family, God and others.
Matt 3:16 And when Jesus was baptized, immediately he went up from the water, and behold, the heavens were opened to him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and coming to rest on him;
Oh God, I ask you to help me be a place of rest for you rest upon. 

Friday, October 12, 2012

Strongholds

Psalms 91 talks about Him being our stronghold. I have wanted Him to be this for and to me for a very long time but never really knew what it meant. I have lived in negative strongholds most of my life. Ones of fear, sexual addiction, not being good enough, trust no one but yourself, if you need something to get done then you must do it yourself, thinking that what I possessed or did was who I am as well as many others.

I was ok living in these safe strongholds until several years back. They had kept me alive for many years, they made me feel safe and protected but then they began to smother me. I wanted free from them and could not get free so I spent enormous amounts of time and energy trying to get free but could not. The feeling of not being able to get free when I wanted free sent me into a deep state of depression. I tried everything I could and nothing seemed to work so I tried God.

My thought was that if He could not do it then I was beyond hope. Along my journey I saw small pieces of freedom but no real change, I always seemed to go back to my old way of living. Here are some of the things I tried:
  • New steps to freedom CD lessons, thinking that if it worked for him or her it will work for me.
  • Fasting and prayer, surely if I do this it will give me the breakthrough I want.
  • Be faithful, surely if I do all the right things for God then this will please Him and He will set me free.
  • Just be good, if I am a good person most of the time then this will earn me a breakthrough.
  • Work harder, I am not working hard enough to get what I want so I need to work harder, longer and faster.
  • Positive thinking, surely if I think positive then it will happen.
  • Have faith, if I have enough faith then this will work for me.
  • Speak the right things, I only need to talk about what I want to see come to pass then it will happen.
  • Being sorry, if I am sorry enough for what I have done and cry enough then God will hear me.
 I actually began to think that these strongholds were who I was and that I would continue to live like this my whole life.  Therefore I embraced the message that I am just a sinner saved by grace and this is my journey in life until I go home to be with God in Heaven. By the way this felt really good but offered me no freedom.
I recently learned some things that have helped me a lot. The primary reason that I never got free from strongholds is because I secretly in my heart had made a place for that stronghold to live in safety. I claimed to love the light of God but really loved darkness rather than light.

As I began to accept personal responsibility for my choices and the reality of where I was this became to platform for transformation. The stronghold never had to leave because I on a heart level gave it permission to live there. I was so concerned about not facing reality and living disconnected from personal responsibility that the stronghold had a safe place to live. So lately I have been accepting personal responsibility for my life and my choices.

 I have been dealing with things that I have always ran from and it is hard. It is very difficult to allow myself to be vulnerable to others but at the same time I am seeing my life transformed from the inside out. I am seeing the power of these strongholds become weaker and weaker by the day.

I see now that I wanted God to free me from the outside consequences of the strongholds but He wanted to get to the root issue of why that stronghold had a place to live in me in the first place. He so lovely and gently has helped me over the years find truth and freedom. It is a process and requires you revealing the dark secrets of your heart to another person because this is where you truly find God, hope healing, freedom and yes sometimes more hurt.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Childhood Dream

 On June 15th 2012 U.S. The 33-year-old tightrope walker Nik Wallenda crossed Niagara Falls walking with nothing but a balancing pole to keep him from plunging to his death from the thin wire 200 feet above the largest waterfall in America. Cheered on by throngs of spectators he successfully fulfilled one of his two childhood dreams. Wallenda completed this childhood dream because he remained focused, braving the intense winds, damp spray and had determination to not give up.

I think most humans are born with or grow into a childhood dream in some shape form or fashion. Dreams are simple yet complicated in nature, they are easy to talk about but hard to live out, they are are easy to move towards but painful to take hold of. They are designed to filet us open so that our true insides are revealed, they make us vulnerable to our relationships and environment. They also have a profound effect on helping us get in touch with the deepest part of us.

It is my personal opinion dreams are meant to do two primary task in the heart of an individual:

One, they take you forward into the future. They propel you through life giving you energy and drive, they tend to keep you alive in many ways. I think that most of the world at large walks in this phase of dreams. Everyone has dreams, most people will talk about their dreams but few people actually live in their dreams. Dreams are like the foundation of a house for our lives, everyone notices the house but gives no thought to the most important part, the foundation.

Two, they also take you deeper into the reality of life, the reality of your own personal choices, personal time management, proper life planning, secret motivations and motives of your heart. I see this phase of dreams as the foundation comprised of steel re-bar and thick layers of concrete, these natural elements when mixed and aligned properly sustain the whole building.

 I have lived my life carrying within me a childhood dream. The two thoughts that have never left my heart and mind are:
One, that I would change the lives of people world wide.
Two, is that I was created to do great things and to make a world changing difference in my life time.

This has also become a lifetime burden because I have felt called to do things that I could never accomplish or complete regardless of how hard I tried. Therefore, I have lived most my life frustrated and angry because I felt called to do things that I would never do. I felt much like the donkey who had a carrot dangling in front of him. No matter how hard he tried he would never get to taste it but would only see it before him.

I recently arrived at the understanding that I have believed I could live with two masters while pretending to have only one. I have compartmentalized most of my life so that I could justify my pretend tight rope walking lifestyle. As I was reading Matthew 6:24 I clearly see what Jesus meant when He said you can not serve two masters! You will love one and hate the other but you can not serve both at the same time!

Nik Wallenda not only talked about his dream with others but he took action on it, he opened himself up for complete failure or success. I have been afraid to fully go after something that I wanted because of what I would look like if I failed. I hear Jesus saying to me to either give myself fully to life or don't but do not continue to do it half way.


Monday, October 1, 2012

Alive Again 6

Psalms 91 speaks of us dwelling in the shelter of the Most High and resting in the shadow of the Almighty, it speaks of provision, protection and promises that would make the most insecure, fearful person sleep well at night. If these things are available and on the table for me to have through Christ then how come I do not have them in my life? Why do I live the opposite of this reality?
This past weekend as I spent time with this thought I begin to realize that I have called my dwelling place that of God because of Christ but my reality is that I housed the enemy in secret rooms like a stowaway on a vessel, I have created strongholds for darkness to live and find safety in. On one hand I claim to walk in the light as He is in the light but my reality is that I love darkness and keep it hidden like the treasured spoils under the tent of my life.
I am becoming fully aware of these things now which produce fruit of the softest kind. What once was a soft place of protection, provision and security has now become a ragging lion of dark secrets to dwell with. The choices I have made have released a poison into my life that affects everything I touch, taste, smell, hear, and see. I believe that the goal of this attack was to infect my entire blood line from the inside out. If you want to crumble a kingdom them get in on the inside and infect it from the inside out.
Years ago I allowed darkness to walk right through the front door of my life. I thought that grace and mercy would understand, that love would permit me as sinner to have these things in my life, I thought that forgiveness would make everything better and cover everything up. However true the above things may be what I did not intend on happening is that the darkness I kept hidden and made a safe place for it to live in my life would grown. Yes, like a cute cuddly lion cub now has grown into a stalking beast. I spend all my time trying to train and reason with it in order to keep it under control.
This beast does not leave regardless of how hard I have tired. I have fasted, read my bible, used the name of Jesus, had faith people pray over it and me, tried to be good enough, tried to act nice enough, tired to do enough good deeds, tired cutting edge principles that claimed to work for other people and even tried ministry thinking this would do the trick because ministry after all is what makes God happy and solves all problems. The greatest event of failure has come to me because the beast overtook me, during my breakdown weeks ago I felt hopelessly overran and defeated.
But I am still here, I am not just here but I am stronger than ever before. I realize that God is dwelling place and I do not want other things to have a strong hold in my life. I do not want to hide darkness so I am opening every window, door, gate, hatch and crawl space in my life. I am allowing the light of God to go everywhere in me. No more skeletons in my closet, whatever falls out falls out. I am allowing every secret to be seen by others, no more hiding, no more games no more depending on grace and mercy to allow me to live locked away in darkness while pretending to live in the light.
I know my words are strong. I am aware that my thoughts are raw. I am not living in self condemnation nor regret but in truth of reality called the Holy Ground of Personal Responsibility. This is my burning bush. I have never been here before, it was always someone else's fault or a situational issue but not any more. It is what it is. I am responsible for my own life and for the choices I have made. I have been asking for God to bless me in my darkness so that I can feel better about me having the strongholds I have. I was asking God to become darkness to get me out of my darkness and now realize that He is the God of Light and does not change because a house can not be divided against itself or else it will fall.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Alive Again 5

Today I am really struggling with not allowing fear to over ride what I have been learning to live. I have so much pressure on me with our business and right now, we do not have a lot of bids going out so it is really hard to make payroll. I am looking at having to let some guys go if things do not change quickly. I find myself face to face with enough is not enough verses I AM. I realize the choice is mine, just like in the garden when God placed before Adam and Eve everything their hearts could desire then said to them to make a choice to choose Him. He wants me to make my choice because this is the way He created life to work. With my choices come consequences both positive and negative as well as what leads me to personal responsibility for my victory or shortfall.
I am at this crossroad, I want to choose Him but also do not want to choose Him, I am more familiar with the predictability of the old structure and terrified of trusting my heart and life to what if this does not work. What if He does not come through for me, what it I do not get what I want, what if everything falls apart.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Alive Again 4

September 29, 2012
I have been spending a lot of time meditating on the revelation that I am no longer living in the wineskin of the old structure of my life but being filled with His presence of newness because I am the new wineskin. I was reading in Matthew 9 and noticed that you can not put new patches on old clothes because the patch will cause a tear in the clothing and will make the clothing that was once un usable now usable. Like wise you can not take a wineskin which as already made wine once then fill it again in order to make more wine. This will cause the wineskin to burst open and loose all the contents as well rupture the wineskin beyond repair.
I noticed a similarity in my life that lines up with the above factual examples.
Most of my life I have worked to be different, I have tried to have enough faith in order to have a better life, I have prayed enough, attended church enough and read my bible enough, I have tried to be obedient in order to live in God's blessings and seemed for the most part to come up on the short end of the stick.Year after year living like this really sucks and this is probably part of the reason I have not had much to do with God over the past couple of years.
All my efforts, all my energy, all my goodness, all my rottenness, all my games, all my pretending to be doing good and wearing the happy face, all my ministry in helping other people which for the most part was not about loving people but was about me trying to help me feel better about me being me. All of this is what caused me to rupture from the inside out, this is what caused me to have a 4 day long panic attack which I am still recovering from.
But here is the life changing revelation that I am receiving in my heart. All my life I have been trying to apply God's life to my life like a patch or a second batch of wine in an old wineskin. God has desired for me to change clothes so so that I would be clean, fresh and authentic. He wanted to transform me but I wanted to just be repaired, I wanted to stay in my old clothes and just put a new shirt over them. I have wanted the wine of God ie: "His goodness" and put it into an old, dirty used wineskin so that I could call it mine.
This creates several problems based on he fact that God can not divide Himself. A house divided against itself can not stand.
One - God can not participate in actions that cause humanity to come undone. If he partnered with me in giving me what I wanted then that gift would have caused me to be torn or ruptured beyond repair based on Matthew 9. God came to restore and revive us not to destroy us. He is not the author of death and destruction but Life and Love.
Two - God is not in the business of covering up reality with fantasy. He calls it like he sees it, when he killed an animal in Genesis in order to cover Adam and Eve His action of covering them was leading them to restoration and renewal. It was not an action that enabled them to pretend it never happened. I have spent most of my life wanting God to make feel better about me by repairing me, but God wanted me to feel better about me by transforming me from the inside out. The reason I never wanted to go there with Him in this area of my life is because it would require me accepting personal responsibility for my own life and my own actions and decisions.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Alive Again 3

September 25th, 2012
I hear God saying to me I AM. As I have spend hours meditating on this reality it brings me to the conclusion that if He is the Great I AM and He is in me then that means that I AM because He is. When Moses faced all the questions and turmoil of the task before him this is what He connected Moses with, I AM. This is final, nothing can be added, taken away or twisted to it, I AM.
Today I as I was reading the story of creation I could see Him saying to creation, I have created everything for you and everything will be pleasing to you and you will desire everything I have made. You have the freedom to choose anything you desire but I want you to choose to not choose the tree of knowledge of good and evil. This has always bothered me that He would put temptation on our door step so to speak. But now I am realizing that in freedom is also personal responsibility and the two can not be separated. He wanted creation to have personal responsibility to choose life an thus to choose Him.
I am at a point in life where I know in my heart not my head that He is enough for me. This deep awareness is leading me to the point of not having to keep searching for the next move of God, the next life changing encounter with His presence, the next new exciting thing in life that will make me feel better about me being me and I will not have to continue to heap up fix after fix of things that numb the pain of being alive, I do no have to pretend to be OK when I am not and do not have to give people my best side. I can just be me and that is good enough.
I am enough for God, He is pleased with me, I do not have to do anything for this but what I have already done and that is inviting Him into my life. The Great I AM lives inside of me and He is enough for me therefore this reality is bringing me to the experience that I am enough for Him. Therefore, my empty search in life ends and I can begin living the way He created me to live.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Alive Agian 2

September 24, 2012
Today I heard Him tell me that He is enough for me and I am enough for Him. I have thought this before but never believed it in my heart. His words are sinking deeper into me than ever before. He reminded me that when Moses stood before him not knowing how to do it or what to say to Pharaoh in order to bring His people out of Egypt that He said I AM. I AM enough for you, you are all that I need and I am all that you need. He is my provider thus I do not have to live for myself and fight for everything I have. I do not have to make my own way in this life, He wants to be my provision as I go through everyday life working and just doing life.
I saw the old wine skin that had been ruptured drying up as the wind of God was blowing on it then all the sudden a strong wind came along and blew it so hard that it broke into a million tiny fragments and disappeared into thin air. This made me feel vulnerable because I feel homeless and naked not living in my old home (the wineskin that represented the structure of if you want it done right then do it yourself) but at the same time I feel safe and at peace knowing that He is doing a new thing in me and that I am enough for Him and that He is enough for me.
I found myself talking to Him about my day and the things I needed then telling Him that I do not want Him to just change my circumstances but to change my insides so that I am different through and in these circumstances. I feel like for the first time in my life I am wanting the real thing not a quick fix to make me feel better so that I can continue to feel good about me being me.

Alive Again 1

After a long year of of keeping God at arms distance and not wanting to talk to Him nor for Him to talk to me or have anything else to do with me I finally broke down from the inside out. This past week I had a major panic attack that lasted for almost 4 days, there was about a 5 hour period where I thought I was going to melt from the inside out. I have been to a doctor and got some medication but I am also seeing THE DOCTOR.
Thus, this is the reason for me to journal today.

Sunday 23, 2012
I felt God tell me that the wine skin I have lived in my whole life had been ruptured beyond repair. He said he was going to put me into a new wine skin and I was that skin but in order for that to happen a sacrifice had to be made in order to for the skin to come from somewhere. He said to me that I was the sacrifice and because I broke open from the inside out and had died that this is the wineskin He would use to pour himself into.
You may be wondering what the old wine skin represented? It represents a structure and mentality of lifestyle and thought. Enough is never enough sums it up. I feel like I have lived in Egypt my whole life, I have been a slave to myself, I work hard but it is never enough, I push to make a way where there seems to be no way. I finish a project and only look at what I did not get completed. I push myself beyond what is reasonable and I do not allow myself any mercy or grace.On the outside most people never see this, in fact they praise me for what I can do yet only those closes to me see the evidence of me being enslaved to myself. The hardest part of all of this structure is that it trust no one and if you want it done right then you have to do it yourself. You can know everyone but do not let anyone know you. This has marked my whole life and this is structure that was ruptured beyond repair.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Wierd

One of the wierdest or strangest things that has ever happened to me is happening to me right now. I have been in this process of deconstruction of my life for the past 3 1/2 years. I am at point right now where I do not like going to church, I hate intentional set ups of devine encounters which we call ministry, I have trouble worshiping and don't seem to have any passion to read my bible.

Everything that is happening to me on the outside would say that I back slide, I have pissed God off, I am wrong with Him and He is punishing me, I am like a modern day Jona but to be completely honest I am closer to God than I ever have been in my whole like. I am actualy begining to have some heart felt exsperiences which communicate to me that I am loved, protected and provided for. I have never felt this reality in my heart in my whole life.

I for years have used church, worship, reading of the word, scripture memorization, and ministry of helping others as a way to avoid the painful reality I woke up with everyday. That reality is that I did not know God and my life on the inside was very empty but I had to make things look good on the outside because that is what everyone wants to see. I thought to myself that everyone else has it together but I do not.

What is wierd is that I do not have it together and I do not care to try to be all things to all men. I am Brian and going to allow myself the freedom to be fully me. I have never done this before and it feels very weird, almost like wearing my underware backwards.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Rearview

I recall my grandmother saying to me that hindsight was 20/20. Most of my life I fealt guilty because I looked back with regret rather than thankfulness because of what I can learn from Rearview. As I look back I can see God all over my life, I seeHim in things that actually surprise me. I see God in the good things, hard things, evil things, Godly things, and stupid things. He is all over everything involving my life.
It is so strange to be able to see more clearly by looking back rather than looking forward. We always want to see the bigger picture of what God is doing yet it would seem strange to see more clearly by looking back not forward.
Many times I have been reminded not to look back, don't put your hand to the plow then look back, don't look back or you will be like a pillar salt. We have heard this said in a very negative way but there is more to looking back than we ever knew about.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Experiences vs Encounters

When will we grow tired of choosing experiences over encounters? We love experiences because they are exciting, they work for us, they are all about us, they make us feel better, look better plus it gives us something to talk about that further which validates our own worth and identity.

Experience

When we look at the word experience we see that it overflows into a personal occurrence which can alter the way you live, it deposits something in you that becomes livable that is now yours, it brings you to a high point of something and causes you to see things you have not seen before and feel things that you previously had not.

Encounter

Now as we look at the word encounter we see a totally different meaning. Almost all meanings draw negative situational settings like skirmish, face off, showdown, confrontation, and bump into or run across. This also unfolds itself into meet with, coming up on, clash into or to find by chance.

From my limited understanding of these two words I can see more clearly as to why we want the first with God and others but not the later. The problem with experience is that is grows you and changes you but does not confront the real issues of the heart, it simple changes or makes the outer realms of you look and feel better, heck it may even change the way you act to some degree.

It is important for us to remember that the Kingdom of God is not as concerned with what we do but who we are, so that makes it a heart issue not an obedience issue. Our world system focuses all its time and energy into looking good, acting good so that you are in agreement with the rest of the world system. The world system functions by self medicating itself with new experiences, new toys, new degrees, new lovers, new houses, new cars and so on and so on.

Please don’t hear me say that there is anything wrong with these because there is not but there is something wrong with the fact that you would rather have all of these outward temporal things but not connect in your heart with anything. Heaven tries to deal with the heart of man so that man can truly enjoy creation for the purpose of why it was created. All this stuff around us was created for us and it is fun but it was suppose to be the overflow enjoyment from the heart. We have turned it into the main event thus millions of us are left feeling more and more empty because we acquire more and more stuff.

Simply put, less leads to more in the Kingdom of God and more leads to less in the Kingdom of Man.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

How to Grow

Kingdom Growth
As a child I remember playing with an hourglass filled with sand. It was so cool to watch the sand flow from one chamber to another. This is how the Kingdom of God works, the exact opposite of our known world system. In our system we are so afraid of loss, it leaves a bad taste in our mouth, it does even feel right but in the Kingdom of Heaven loss is victory.

Loss always produces gain, this is a spiritual law. The non reality of this is that we try to gain something it in order to lose something. For example: One might say that if I gain salvation in order to be changed, gain faith so that you can move mountains. When you try to gain something in order to get something you end up with nothing bc you bypass the heart. The kingdom of God beats for the heart of man and mans heart beats for it.
Phl 1:21 for to me to live is Christ and to die is gain. ( loss leads to gain ) to die is a heart issue and this requires us to be all us, when we gain through loss we step into transformation not change.
Phl 3:7 but what things were gain to me those I now count as a loss for Christ - or spiritual matters. This reveals to us that the supernatural world is not satisfied through the earthly.
1Tim 6:5 disputings of men with corrupt minds and destitue of the truth, supposing hat gain is godliness from such remove yourself. We have been raised to think that our gain makes us more godly, our teaching, our education, our gifting but this is not true, gain does not equal godliness!
1Tim 6:6 but godliness with contentment is great gain. When we through loss connect with godliness we come to the awareness that we have all that we need and this produces in us great gain.
Lk 9:24-25 what gain is it to gain the whole world but lose your life, gain in the world equals loss but loss in the kingdom equals gain of eeverything!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Mirror of Me

I think backwards in my life about how mirrors are a part of our everyday lives. We are introduced to them as a baby when we play with a mirrored toy then as a toddler who hits the mirror telling the reflected child no. We then us the mirror to watch our self sing or talk as a young child and then we get into the teenage years. At this time of life the mirror can be one of our best friends or our worst enemy, we let the mirror be the final judge as to how we look, what color looks good on us, did the zit on my forehead the size of Mt. Rushmore go away. Then we move into the adult side of life and the mirror seems to tell a different story, it seems to reveal our imperfections.

I felt good and looked good until a few years ago the mirror began to show me a thicker stomach that could be seen even in my shirts. What? This could not be true. I did not listen when my waist size went up in my jeans, I did not listen when I bent over one day to tie my shoe then noticed a difference in my stomach. I had been lying to myself and had even believed my lie until the mirror set me straight.

One day while in the bathroom I was getting ready to take a bath after a long day at work. I spent some time with the mirror and allowed it to speak with me. I did not like what it said to me through my reflection, but it was true. I had gained weight, this weight had not shown up on the scale but it had in the size of my waist line. Because of the reality that the mirror revealed to me it has caused me to shift the way I eat and I have started juicing again.

God uses the mirror of me to reveal me to me. For example: James says, that people who think they know God but do not do what God says is a lair, they deceive themselves. Why? Because they look in the mirror and say that they have not gained weight even when their waist line goes from a 28 to a 34. We need to accept reality as reality, if we claim to know something about God but do not produce any fruit in that area of our lives then the mirror would reflect that for what it is. The person who lives like this does not know what they look like, they look in the mirror but forget what they look like when they leave.

My personal life testifies to this. I have spent most of my spiritual life knowing about God. Knowing what His Word says, knowing how to teach others how to live, knowing how to counsel people going through crisis, knowing the right answer at the right time and so on and so on. The reality of the mirror of me has revealed to me is that I do not know or believe half of what I think that I do. I would teach and train others about love yet lived in chaos with my family, I counseled people on how to be free yet I lived in bondage, and I have even consoled people who are suffering from loss and would tell them how good God is and that He is the God of comfort yet I did in my heart not believe it, it produced no fruit in me.

There is no condemnation or guilt for those of you reading this. I am just talking to you about a passion that the Lord has placed on my heart. He told me to not ever teach something that I myself was not living. Over the past years I have developed a strong desire to know God for myself, I want to experience Him for me, I want to taste and see that He is good, and I want to know what it is like to be free inside my heart. I want to connect with God in such a way as to be one with Him and not because the bible says it but because I have lived it. In this process God has used the mirror of me to show me to me because until I can see me outside the revelation of guilt, judgement and condemnation nothing else can be established in my life.

As I begin to be aware of who I am because of what I see in the mirror of me I am then able to release this true me to the true God who has come to set me free.