I want to be a resting place for God.
I am tired of living in restlessness. I will not continue to live my spiritual life like a fast food drive through burger place. I want to stop and unpack my life before God and others, I want to go in and sit down and dine with no time in mind. You may think, Brian, God already knows you, what you think, do and don't do, and what you say before you say it. You are correct but that wonderful theological thought leaves no room for me to be personally responsible for being vulnerable with others and Him.
I think of it like this. If you have ever been listening to a song and in your mind you can sing along, every word, every note, and perfect in tune. Until... You actually sing out loud! At that point you realize that you do not know what you thought you knew. Personal responsibility set in because you became vulnerable to yourself or maybe others around you when you acted on your thought.
I have spent most of my walk with God thinking it but not acting on it, living out of a back pack but complained because I did not ever feel I was at home. I realize that if I want to call a place home then I need to unpack and live there. I have never been at a place to where I was willing to unpack and settle down. I am at the point where I am not satisfied living out of a backpack or suitcase like I am at some sleepover with God. I want to move in and unpack all of me with Him and with others that I have chosen to do life with and those that He has placed in my life.
A friend gave me a CD to listen to this week and it hit home even deeper. As I was listening to Jack Frost I realized that living out of rest or restlessness is attached directly to my level of security. When I find myself in overdrive with restlessness, anxiety, frustration, which leads me to perform for my identity rather than from my identity it is because I feel insecure or threatened in some form or fashion.
I am learning to rest, I am shifting my lifestyle to line up with that of rest and I am feeling the fruit of this change in my life. I am making a choice to live differently. At times it is not easy because the world says go faster, people say go faster, church says go faster , and even preachers tell us to go faster, do more, be more and so on and so on.
This past Christmas some one in my church family jokingly said they were going to get me a pillow because I rested so much. What a compliment to get from someone.They will never know how hard it has been for me to rest from my labor at trying to be somebody so I did not have to face my insecurities. My first step was to rest from always doing stuff and now my second step is to learn to do thing in rest. I am learning to take rest with me into all situations. This lifestyle has fueled my passion to be a place of rest for me, family, God and others.