Sunday, May 13, 2012

Wierd

One of the wierdest or strangest things that has ever happened to me is happening to me right now. I have been in this process of deconstruction of my life for the past 3 1/2 years. I am at point right now where I do not like going to church, I hate intentional set ups of devine encounters which we call ministry, I have trouble worshiping and don't seem to have any passion to read my bible.

Everything that is happening to me on the outside would say that I back slide, I have pissed God off, I am wrong with Him and He is punishing me, I am like a modern day Jona but to be completely honest I am closer to God than I ever have been in my whole like. I am actualy begining to have some heart felt exsperiences which communicate to me that I am loved, protected and provided for. I have never felt this reality in my heart in my whole life.

I for years have used church, worship, reading of the word, scripture memorization, and ministry of helping others as a way to avoid the painful reality I woke up with everyday. That reality is that I did not know God and my life on the inside was very empty but I had to make things look good on the outside because that is what everyone wants to see. I thought to myself that everyone else has it together but I do not.

What is wierd is that I do not have it together and I do not care to try to be all things to all men. I am Brian and going to allow myself the freedom to be fully me. I have never done this before and it feels very weird, almost like wearing my underware backwards.