Friday, September 28, 2012

Alive Again 5

Today I am really struggling with not allowing fear to over ride what I have been learning to live. I have so much pressure on me with our business and right now, we do not have a lot of bids going out so it is really hard to make payroll. I am looking at having to let some guys go if things do not change quickly. I find myself face to face with enough is not enough verses I AM. I realize the choice is mine, just like in the garden when God placed before Adam and Eve everything their hearts could desire then said to them to make a choice to choose Him. He wants me to make my choice because this is the way He created life to work. With my choices come consequences both positive and negative as well as what leads me to personal responsibility for my victory or shortfall.
I am at this crossroad, I want to choose Him but also do not want to choose Him, I am more familiar with the predictability of the old structure and terrified of trusting my heart and life to what if this does not work. What if He does not come through for me, what it I do not get what I want, what if everything falls apart.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Alive Again 4

September 29, 2012
I have been spending a lot of time meditating on the revelation that I am no longer living in the wineskin of the old structure of my life but being filled with His presence of newness because I am the new wineskin. I was reading in Matthew 9 and noticed that you can not put new patches on old clothes because the patch will cause a tear in the clothing and will make the clothing that was once un usable now usable. Like wise you can not take a wineskin which as already made wine once then fill it again in order to make more wine. This will cause the wineskin to burst open and loose all the contents as well rupture the wineskin beyond repair.
I noticed a similarity in my life that lines up with the above factual examples.
Most of my life I have worked to be different, I have tried to have enough faith in order to have a better life, I have prayed enough, attended church enough and read my bible enough, I have tried to be obedient in order to live in God's blessings and seemed for the most part to come up on the short end of the stick.Year after year living like this really sucks and this is probably part of the reason I have not had much to do with God over the past couple of years.
All my efforts, all my energy, all my goodness, all my rottenness, all my games, all my pretending to be doing good and wearing the happy face, all my ministry in helping other people which for the most part was not about loving people but was about me trying to help me feel better about me being me. All of this is what caused me to rupture from the inside out, this is what caused me to have a 4 day long panic attack which I am still recovering from.
But here is the life changing revelation that I am receiving in my heart. All my life I have been trying to apply God's life to my life like a patch or a second batch of wine in an old wineskin. God has desired for me to change clothes so so that I would be clean, fresh and authentic. He wanted to transform me but I wanted to just be repaired, I wanted to stay in my old clothes and just put a new shirt over them. I have wanted the wine of God ie: "His goodness" and put it into an old, dirty used wineskin so that I could call it mine.
This creates several problems based on he fact that God can not divide Himself. A house divided against itself can not stand.
One - God can not participate in actions that cause humanity to come undone. If he partnered with me in giving me what I wanted then that gift would have caused me to be torn or ruptured beyond repair based on Matthew 9. God came to restore and revive us not to destroy us. He is not the author of death and destruction but Life and Love.
Two - God is not in the business of covering up reality with fantasy. He calls it like he sees it, when he killed an animal in Genesis in order to cover Adam and Eve His action of covering them was leading them to restoration and renewal. It was not an action that enabled them to pretend it never happened. I have spent most of my life wanting God to make feel better about me by repairing me, but God wanted me to feel better about me by transforming me from the inside out. The reason I never wanted to go there with Him in this area of my life is because it would require me accepting personal responsibility for my own life and my own actions and decisions.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Alive Again 3

September 25th, 2012
I hear God saying to me I AM. As I have spend hours meditating on this reality it brings me to the conclusion that if He is the Great I AM and He is in me then that means that I AM because He is. When Moses faced all the questions and turmoil of the task before him this is what He connected Moses with, I AM. This is final, nothing can be added, taken away or twisted to it, I AM.
Today I as I was reading the story of creation I could see Him saying to creation, I have created everything for you and everything will be pleasing to you and you will desire everything I have made. You have the freedom to choose anything you desire but I want you to choose to not choose the tree of knowledge of good and evil. This has always bothered me that He would put temptation on our door step so to speak. But now I am realizing that in freedom is also personal responsibility and the two can not be separated. He wanted creation to have personal responsibility to choose life an thus to choose Him.
I am at a point in life where I know in my heart not my head that He is enough for me. This deep awareness is leading me to the point of not having to keep searching for the next move of God, the next life changing encounter with His presence, the next new exciting thing in life that will make me feel better about me being me and I will not have to continue to heap up fix after fix of things that numb the pain of being alive, I do no have to pretend to be OK when I am not and do not have to give people my best side. I can just be me and that is good enough.
I am enough for God, He is pleased with me, I do not have to do anything for this but what I have already done and that is inviting Him into my life. The Great I AM lives inside of me and He is enough for me therefore this reality is bringing me to the experience that I am enough for Him. Therefore, my empty search in life ends and I can begin living the way He created me to live.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Alive Agian 2

September 24, 2012
Today I heard Him tell me that He is enough for me and I am enough for Him. I have thought this before but never believed it in my heart. His words are sinking deeper into me than ever before. He reminded me that when Moses stood before him not knowing how to do it or what to say to Pharaoh in order to bring His people out of Egypt that He said I AM. I AM enough for you, you are all that I need and I am all that you need. He is my provider thus I do not have to live for myself and fight for everything I have. I do not have to make my own way in this life, He wants to be my provision as I go through everyday life working and just doing life.
I saw the old wine skin that had been ruptured drying up as the wind of God was blowing on it then all the sudden a strong wind came along and blew it so hard that it broke into a million tiny fragments and disappeared into thin air. This made me feel vulnerable because I feel homeless and naked not living in my old home (the wineskin that represented the structure of if you want it done right then do it yourself) but at the same time I feel safe and at peace knowing that He is doing a new thing in me and that I am enough for Him and that He is enough for me.
I found myself talking to Him about my day and the things I needed then telling Him that I do not want Him to just change my circumstances but to change my insides so that I am different through and in these circumstances. I feel like for the first time in my life I am wanting the real thing not a quick fix to make me feel better so that I can continue to feel good about me being me.

Alive Again 1

After a long year of of keeping God at arms distance and not wanting to talk to Him nor for Him to talk to me or have anything else to do with me I finally broke down from the inside out. This past week I had a major panic attack that lasted for almost 4 days, there was about a 5 hour period where I thought I was going to melt from the inside out. I have been to a doctor and got some medication but I am also seeing THE DOCTOR.
Thus, this is the reason for me to journal today.

Sunday 23, 2012
I felt God tell me that the wine skin I have lived in my whole life had been ruptured beyond repair. He said he was going to put me into a new wine skin and I was that skin but in order for that to happen a sacrifice had to be made in order to for the skin to come from somewhere. He said to me that I was the sacrifice and because I broke open from the inside out and had died that this is the wineskin He would use to pour himself into.
You may be wondering what the old wine skin represented? It represents a structure and mentality of lifestyle and thought. Enough is never enough sums it up. I feel like I have lived in Egypt my whole life, I have been a slave to myself, I work hard but it is never enough, I push to make a way where there seems to be no way. I finish a project and only look at what I did not get completed. I push myself beyond what is reasonable and I do not allow myself any mercy or grace.On the outside most people never see this, in fact they praise me for what I can do yet only those closes to me see the evidence of me being enslaved to myself. The hardest part of all of this structure is that it trust no one and if you want it done right then you have to do it yourself. You can know everyone but do not let anyone know you. This has marked my whole life and this is structure that was ruptured beyond repair.