The other day I was walking through the hardware store on the phone with Leonard and it came to me that most people want a connection with the reality of the Kingdom of Heaven, God, God's blessings, God's abilities and God's character. We want this reality because we are aware that we have needs, issues and circumstances that exceed the realm of what this world and out personal abilities can provide.
So on one hand we want the reality of the divine or supernatural power in our life but on the other hand most humans are aware that they are not in as good of shape as they think they are. Their life is not good regardless how much they smile, how nice they dress and how much they think positively or meditate. I am not just talking about physical shape but also mental, emotional, spiritual, financial and even circumstantial.
I can identify with having a need, want or desire for the power from above to make everything better and I can also can identify with the feeling of worthlessness and that my life is not worth being changed. Because of my childhood wounds, life tragedy and personal crisis due to personal choices I made and choices other people made for me I have lived most of my life disconnected from meaningful relationships.
What do you mean by that?
Here is a list of how disconnect wove a thread through the tapestry of my life.
- groups of people
- stressful situations
- problems that I could not solve
- group thinking or teamwork
- family and next of kin
- people who disagree with me
- people who yell, scream, and have high drama
- men as being friends
- Woman in general other than that of a sex toy
- task that were too hard for me to complete
- fear of the unknown
- fear of personal or public failure
This looked really good on the outside because other people would complement me on how controlled I was and how they wished they could be this calm and controlled. The sad thing is that as I accepted their compliments they could not see that I was in a dark protective cave with only my eyes showing. I began to think that living disconnected from people, places and things was a normal way of life. It was all I knew and assumed I would never break free from this type of heart attitude.
My home was a dark cave with only one entrance and exit so that I could go in and not have to worry about anything behind me or on the sides of me. I honestly thought I was a smart man for living like this. I looked at people who got hurt by other people and thought to myself, "if they lived like me then that would not have happened to them". I also looked at other people and found it strange that they were happy, many of them did not have material possessions or great circumstances yet they were happy and complete.
People that were happy I thought were strange, I justified it by saying they all of them were just better at faking it than those of us that were unhappy. Then I added to it that at least we were being honest about our feelings. Ha